INMATE LOVE/RELATIONSHIPS

LET IT GO, by Scott Mitchell

They say that if you love something you should let it go, if it comes back to you it’s yours, if it doesn’t than it was never yours in the first place. I am very worried right now because I just let someone go (she actually let herself go) and I am scared to death that she won’t come back to me. I really messed up and said some things out of anger that can’t be taken back or changed. I am really sad and really sorry. I love her so much and I try really hard to be a good boyfriend to her, but I’m only human and can only take getting hung up on, and told that we should call it quits, so many times before it takes a toll on me. She has said and done some “not so nice things” to me too, and to be honest, the things I say and do that bother her are usually in response to her actions or lack of actions. I don’t want to put any of this on her though, I love her too much to want her to feel bad, sad, or responsible for anything. It was all my fault. One thing about me that may be causing me some problems with her is that I don’t know what to do sometimes in our relationship. I haven’t had a lot of experience with relationships. I was really young when I came to prison and now I am kind of old. I try to do what I think is right, but sometimes I guess I do what is wrong. I love the way this woman makes me feel when we are having one of our good days, so I try to get more of that by asking her to write more and let me call her more and things like that. This woman is very very busy and I know that she doesn’t have a lot of spare time, but surely she has enough time to write me an e mail before she goes to bed at night and to send me some 30 second videos of herself.* By The Way… This woman lives in England and we have never met in person. I may not be getting out of prison so seeing videos of her may be the only way I ever get to see her at all. She use to send me videos. I guess I’ll just keep watchig those ones over and over.Those videos made me feel as good as I imagine it must feel to get out prison. She is so beautiful and so funny, and her accent is amazing. The feeling it gives me just to hear her say my name and then to hear her tell me that she loves me is one of the greatest experiences of my life. This woman is the woman of my dreams in so many ways, I just wish that she wanted to make me happy the way that I want to make her happy. If those videos and her e mails make me happier than anything else makes me, am I wrong for wanting more of them? Is she wrong for not doing it for me? Am I wrong for thinking she should make time to do these things even if she is really busy? Part of me feels like I should stop asking her for anything and just take whatever she gives, but part of me feels like I have the right to ask for a few videos. She’s asked me for things and I did them right away. This is what I meant earlier about not knowing how to handle certain things because I don’t have much experience or practice. I have only had one relationship in my whole life and it wasn’t a good one. I love this woman so much and hope that I can figure out how to be better to her if I get the chance. I hate it when we fight and argue, It’s so stupid when it’s all said and done and I look back on it. It’s just so hard to ask for things so smalll and not get them. Maybe I should stop wanting a relationship that goes two ways and just focus on making my partner happy. Lisa, if you are reading this, I LOVE YOU AND I AM SORRY. Please forgive me for being such a fool sometimes and for hurting your feelings. I was hurt and mad and had no other way to fight back so I said something really stupid. I would never do anything to hurt you. I am really really sorry. I love you. I miss you. I need you. I want you.
Me xoxo

Scott Mitchell
DOC #A636258

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