Well hello again everyone. I’ve been away a while because I sometimes can’t find much to talk about, seeing as not allot changes in here! Most of my important conversations stem from what happens to my loved ones on the outside. I tend to find the happening’s of the outside world what I think about most. I can’t say it’s the most healthy way to spend most of my deep thought hours, but all I really care about is out there and I try not to think of events and people here because none of it has any true meaning to me. Yes I half to live here but that’s not saying allot.
Anyway I’ve been thinking allot about my son and his mom. If you’ve been following my story you know how bad things have gotten. Well it’s not changed much supposedly his mom’s now in a rehab facility, witch I’m very glad for. I’d hate to see her go back to prison. I’m pretty sure my son is going to be placed in his great grandmother’s custody and I’m fine with that. I have a visit with someone this weekend I hope it’s my boy, I always feel so much better after seeing him. But other things are on my mind allot lately, primarily my sons mother. Honestly I thought I was done caring for her emotionally. I knew I’d always care about her well being, seeing as she’s the mother of our son and all. Yet here I am again feeling like I want to protect her and do whatever I can to make everything better for her again. I know these feelings are wrong to have, but I’ve dedicated so much of my life to her. Every time I seem to separate my emotions for her, I find myself right back knee deep in feelings for her again.
I don’t know what to do! On the one hand I know it won’t work, and on the other I think I could win her back some day. I think I’m insane and that love sucks! I know she’s no good for me, hell she’s no good to anyone unless she gets her shit together. But I also half to recognize the fact that I will almost always love her in one fashion or another. I think what drives my love is the fact that she made me a better person, she was the first person I ever cared about in an emotional loving way. She was the first woman I learned to care about more than myself and that resonated so deeply in me I can’t let her go. I think I’m afraid if I let her go I’ll never find those emotions with anyone else and I’ll be lost again. Maby I’m the true definition of a hopeless romantic!

Joshua Lapelusa
DOC #A723147