I am trying an alternate version of a A Girl and Neptune…originally it was going to be only a dialogue. I mentioned in an earlier post about how I was reluctant to use it because I was depressed because the lady who gave me the idea cancelled on me and never read the sample I gave her. My feelings are still a little hurt but I am going to attempt to make a go with it.Here it is…
A GIRL AND NEPTUNE – universe 1. waking world 2020 Her name was Sara and she was beautiful. Her face adorned a sprinkling of freckles around her pretty brown eyes.Her smile was ethereal. Black spryly hair erupted from her head like a maelstrom of dark fire burning around her face. She could not be more adorable…Travis was immediately in love with her.
They were students at Boulder university in Colorado. He noticed her the first day he arrived and could not get her out of his mind. Thus far he only glimpsed her a few times.
He asked everyone he encountered about her. Who was the cute freckled girl? He learned her name was Sara and that it was her first year as well. When he found out she was taking an astronomy course the first thing he did was sign up for it. Now he would be in a class with her. Normally he was a little intimidated by the idea of approaching a girl he liked but something inside of him was compelling him to her and he felt strangely fearless about the prospect of talking to her. He knew as soon as he saw her again he would make sure they met. The feeling in him was so vibrant and strong it made him wonder what was possessing him to feel such mental vigor toward meeting this mysterious and exotic looking woman. He had heard about love at first sight or fate and destiny but never really believed such experiences occur. Until now.
Sara stepped out of the building into the cool fall afternoon. She loved the autumn and looked forward to the trees leaves bursting into multiple colors gleaming brilliantly in the sunny afternoon. Sometimes smoke from the mountains would fill the sky with black plumes of columns rising high and sifting toward the town filling it with a pleasant aroma. She stepped into the grass and noticed the guy she saw a couple of days ago. He was standing at the edge of the walkway looking over at the mountainous skyline. He was a stranger in town. She had been living in Boulder for about fifteen years. Her family had moved here from Ohio when she was five. She never saw this man until now. He has been around the campus for about a week. A acquaintance told her he had asked about her. She didn’t yet know if she should be flattered or concerned. She was about to find out. She headed toward the mystery boy. He had dark wavy shoulder length hair and a muscular build. She thought he was cute but that didn’t mean he wasn’t a creep or dangerous. She would see if he made the move to make contact.
When she got within ten feet and saw his face something weird made her feel butterflies and giddy. She started laughing quietly and had to look the other way. She did not understand why she suddenly felt elated. Right now she was trying not to look crazy by laughing for no apparent reason. There was something about him she could not put her finger on. Something familiar.But what?
Travis was standing there with his hands in his pockets watching the afternoon sky. He imagined when it would get dark and all those stars coming out. It was nothing like it was in Ohio. Here they were pristine and shone like sparkling gems in the very dark skies. He loved it. He wished his family had moved here years ago. He had to come out by himself. His aunt and cousins lived here but he did not stay with them. He received a grant and decided to come out here for a few years for school before returning to Ohio.
Right as he decided to begin walking toward his car he caught movement out of the corner of his eye. He turned and saw it was her. He was so surprised he was rendered speechless for a few seconds. For some reason she stopped and returned his stunned stare. They both just looked each other over like they were trying to decide if the other was what they were looking for. Finally Travis asked her if she was Sara.
” Yes. How do you know my name?” she asked him with a little attitude.
” I saw you a couple of days ago and there was something about you that intrigued me so asked around about you. I’m sorry but I was just curious.”
“Its okay. I was wondering about you. Are you from Boulder? ”
” actually I just got here a couple of weeks ago from Ohio.”
‘ really , I’m from Ohio . We moved here years ago. ”
” I lived in celina near the lake.”
” no way, we came from Celina. we moved when I was five.We might of went to the same school.
” well , I went to west elementary.”
” Thats where I went , back in 1978’
” that’s when I was there. ”
universe 2. waking world
1947. south west Colorado
Sara pulled into the drive way and got out of her car. She was still trembling. Please god , let him be home , she thought. The two men who came to the observatory frightened her. She could not understand why but there was something very unsettling about their demeanor. They wanted to know about the lights they saw and recorded at Mt. Wilson. Travis had saved the photographic plates and developed the pictures. She told the strangers she didn’t know where the photos were. why did they want to know , she asked.
It was the cold impassive way they stared at her when she asked the question that made her shudder. They said they would be back and needed the photographic plates. They both turned away and walked down the metal grated steps with the eerie clanking sound echoing back in her ears. She hoped she never saw them again.
Travis M Smith
Categories: Travis Smith
Thank you for sharing the story and hoping you continue. A few notes of interest from someone who really doesn’t count but nothing wrong with a bit of insight.
It appears as if you are trying too hard in style and tone. I suggest being more confident and aggressive in your choice of words and syntax. The imagery is well stated though a bit forced at times. You show a good deal of promise once you allow your voice and soul to bleed on the pages without fear of vulnerability.
Looking forward to reading as the journey progresses…