No… this is not a political post, its personal! I’ve given my future a lot of thought and its vital to take this approach moving forward. Putting any type of trust in anyone with my heart let alone my feelings and emotions is something I can’t do. No doubt I miss the feeling or thought that someone possibly loves me just as much if not more than I love them. This way of thinking and living is just stressful simply because the future is so uncertain. Also the idea of letting my guard down again and being wrong or hurt or hurting is a constant thought that prevents me from calling off construction on #TheWall..
I guess you can say I’m scared and that’s fair. I just know how it feels to be in love and I know how it feels to loose love. Majority of my pains comes from my treatment of the women I was in relationships with. Now my own actions in turn haunts me today. Will #BuildingTheWall help me or hurt me in the long run?? Probably more than likely hurt me more but right now its something I think I have to do to make it through these next few chapters in my life. I would love to be able to say definitively that I’m exclusively in a committed relationship but at 33 saying I’m absolutely single doesn’t sound that bad either.
One of the downsides to being single is growing old and dying alone. I suppose I technically wouldn’t have to die alone but that’s a reality I’m aware of. You don’t deserve to be happy is what I say to myself sometimes. I even feel I’m not good enough or worth the trouble. Now that I’m going to be some ex-con with a bunch of robberies on my record I can’t see marriage let alone a serious relationship in my future. Am I selling myself short?? That’s possible but I call it self preservation. Plus I’m in prison and getting a letter or email from family is like pulling teeth so imagine the thought of trying to date or pursue a relationship!
Sometimes I think I’ve given up on love because its been so long since I’ve had hope. Its like leaving a car on the side of the road and coming back years later respecting the car to still be there running ready to go. Maybe that was a bit extreme but its #2020 and everything has been extreme this year. Also not having visits has also killed my hopes. No contact with my children and none with a woman is enough to drive someone into severe depression. I think #BuildingTheWall would also protect me from disappointments and help me become immune to pain and hurt. Becoming numb to solitude and being left alone to myself flying solo is becoming too familiar so embracing it is easier than trying to reject it. I’ve learned to worry about the thinks I can control vs. worrying about the things I have no control over. I can only pray for love and companionship and hope my prayers are answered.
Before I end this post I think I should be clear about my intentions. I actually intend to marry and have a praying family. After all a family that prays together stays together. In Islam we have a saying that ”your wife is half your deen”. As I grow closer to God and examine myself and take watch the things I say and do I can’t but help to also grown with a woman beside me in life. The bond, trust, support, motivation, inspiration, affection, love, and just all the adjectives, qualities, characteristics, and personality that comes with a woman, friend, lover, and wife. These things and more is what I’m afraid I’ll never have for whatever reason. Its important to have this bond and just as harmful not to. Its funny because I always think of the movie ”grumpy old men” and think of myself because its so frustrating walking though life so alone. I just ask y’all out there to love and to love hard because when its all gone its gone. Be safe, watch your health, and stay beautiful out there!!
Listening to: Maren Morris – The bones
Lee Brice – One of them girls
Niko Moon – Good time
Bazzi – Mine
Da’Von Joshua Motley Sr.
Allen Correctional Institution
2338 N. West St.
Lima, OH 45802
Categories: Da'Von Motley Sr.