Happy Birthday Son, by Mark Brown

Early July 2020

Once again – another birthday missed due to being in Prison. My son just turned thirteen. He has now experienced three quarters of his life without me.

When I dwell on that, the ache in my heart cannot be described. He does not know who I am anymore. Am I being punished – “Sufficient but no greater than necessary”?

I dream of ways to be able to guide my son. Try to keep him from the pressures of others, who may lead him astray. I thank God for his mother whom I expect uses her strong will to keep him pointed in the right direction.

I must ask myself what I could even try to recommend to my son. Do I even have that right anymore? I really do not even know what he likes and does not like. The loss of my son, out of my life, simply hurts. When I divorced, I accepted the divorce as the best way to protect my family against any repercussions due to the nature of my criminal charges. The limited retirement accounts, and all other assets, had to be sure to fall into my ex-wife’s hands and not some attorneys. They needed whatever I had for their own survival. There was enough to pay off our house in Florida

When arrested, a bomb hits the family. Everything turns to chaos. A great job, gone; Beautiful wife and two fine children, gone. All your friends disappear. No doubt the hardest hit I took was losing my wife and children. I thank God that my sisters, brother, and my mother still stand by my side. Without them, I am not sure how I would continue counting the days until I am, once again, free to take to the water again, fish and hopefully once again captain a private yacht.

But what brings me here is shameful, unaccusable and a naïve belief my addiction to child pornography was just a way to pass the time, far from the radar of authorities. “I am no one. Why would my computer use even rise to the extent of a red flag?” I have never been more remorseful.

I knew I had an addiction because going online in the privacy of my office was something I couldn’t put out of my mind during the day. I wanted help, but where to turn? My wife and I were in counseling but were that the time to bring up the addiction? In front of my wife? I was also in private therapy for depression and balancing what seemed to be an unending feud between my beautiful Mexican wife and a mother who is always full of unsolicited advice. All things unfamiliar o my wife who grew up poor in a dirt house in Mexico. I didn’t address the addiction even to my private therapist. I was of the belief that if you mentioned anything about children, even pornography the therapist had a duty to report. I know now that is not true.

If you know someone that is spending too much time on-line, they may have a problem They are doctors, lawyers, politicians, and people from all walks of life. Not dangerous lurking ‘uncles’ or pedophiles. Seek help, Find counseling. Do this for yourself. Do this for your family, and for the protection of innocent children. Many are harmed. Trust me, I know. If you need help, write to me.

Captain Shipwreck.

Mark Brown
FCI Loretto
Cresson, PA 16630

Categories: family, Mark Brown

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