I told you a little about myself, however, I didn’t tell you about what I’ll be talking about in my entries; which will be my daily issues and thoughts; poems I write; and if anyone contacts me with specific request -I’ll give my thoughts on whatever the request is (as long as it’s not negative or demeaning).
“Workout, get into my faith, smile more, and don’t complain.”
This was my answer when asked what I do to live peaceable. I recently went through some stuff that had me ready to end my life. I have experienced a lot of pain and heartache in my life; but this took it out of me. So allow me to bring you up to speed…
From a young age I have experienced depression. I went through a lot of abuse growing up, when I was sixteen my girlfriend was killed, and I have spent over 12 years in prison (already) over lies. So I know loss and disappointments, and I know people leaving me; so why did this take it out of me?
Last year I was feeling so alone and hopeless that I felt ending my life was the only way to escape that feeling. I was praying, asking God to: 1) bring a friend into my life that would not leave, 2) bring me that special lady, 3) bring help with my case, 4) put a few dollars in my pocket, 5) help publishing my poetry, and 6) bring me help with this organization I have been wanting to start (note: none ofghst asked God to bring me closer to Him). All of that -and more- came in the form of one person. We formed an open and trusting friendship quickly. I felt appreciated for the first time in a long time, a. she said I made her feel heard and understood for the first. She assured me that I was not a bad guy; and that everyone that seen all of this bad in me, abused me, and neglected to remain in my life were losing out on a wonderful person. This built my self-esteem and confidence like never before! I felt almost invincible and I was on cloud nine. This friendship turned into an affair in four months. She was my reason not to die. I felt like we were “it” for each other. She was the answer to so many prayers. Three months later she decided that I was too controlling, possessive, passive aggressive, and narcissistic. Did I have issues? Yes, but it was fear of abandonment and insecurities caused by a past that instilled these fears and insecurities. I explained my fears and insecurities to her early in. She assured me that I had nothing to worry about. Still, my insecurities were on alert, and I explained why. I felt like things weren’t right, and I expressed this much. I felt like something was wrong with ME though, and the guilt of causing her husband the pain I knew he felt was weighing on me. She assured me that I had nothing to worry about. So why did I feel the way I was feeling. Well, everything came crashing down and she put all of the blame on me and made me look like a terrible person. I began getting messages from different guys telling me to stop try to call dude’s girl and much more. This lady, my daughter’s mother, and my Great Aunt were the only women I tried to call. My life was threatened over her. I was not bad talking her; aside from saying she was lying and over exaggerating, which was true. She got with someone I “introduced” to her for the organization, someone I loved like a brother. I was suspicious before she left me, but she assured me I had nothing to worry about. SMH. He knew I was head over heels over her. He knew that she was all the real support and help I had. I had everything resting on our relationship. I don’t fault him, but I don’t trust him anymore. I wanted my life to end. I felt so betrayed, hopeless, humiliated, and alone. For a month and a half I was fighting against myself. I was withdrawing and becoming captive of negative thoughts. I was seeing my counselor twice a week, and I got on meds. I take three meds that combined have helped greatly. I don’t like to be reliant on meds, but it has balance me out. I am back on cloud nine again. Not from being high on meds, but because I have an awareness of the greatness that I can attribute to this world. Just because I am in prison does not mean my life is over. I have been reminded that I can still live a positive and productive life right here. I thrive on helping others. I can’t help others in the financial sense (l can’t even help myself in that sense), however, I can pass along some wisdom and that is more valuable than financial aid. I am serving 26 to life (pending appeals), but I am in a program block that houses guys doing two years and under. I am taking advantage of the opportunity to impart so knowledge that will hopefully impact the life of at least one person in a positive aspect.
Another way that I am attempting to help others is through the nonprofit organization I want to establish. This will ultimately be a world wide networking team to ensure positive growth during incarceration and successful reentry into society upon release. The organization will operate as a team, excluding no one for any reason. The organization will be made available to anyone impacted by crime and incarceration; the accused and their family, victims of crime, and society as a whole. I currently have an IT Tech, account, and one volunteer lined up. I need five volunteers that are willing to put two hours a day into the organization as account managers. These positions will become paid positions. I told you in my first engry that I am facilitating three programs; and all three are geared towards getting participants to think about how they will make a successful reentry back into society. I will tell you more about that in my next post.
Roger Black #729370
PO Box 740
London Ohio 43055