My life at the moment consist of long days and short nights of sleep. Waking up stressing about life and going to sleep hoping I don’t wake up because my dreams are better than my reality. There’s not a day that doesn’t pass by that I wish I could be a free man taking care of my kids and working towards a prosperous future for them. I ask myself daily if God hates me, or if Satan just adores me? Why is my life and the people that’s in it so messed up? How can I make things right? What do I have to do to make some progress this day going forward? The obstacles keep coming and I keep fighting. When I’m breathless and the fight must go on my heart wants me to keep going but my mind has given up. This fight is mentally destroying me from the inside out. Its nothing that can be explained because this is what I had coming in the eyes of the law. The things that I took for granted, the time I should have spent with my kids, the education I walked away from, jobs I just stop working, people I robbed, places I robbed, people Ive hurt, its all haunting me now. At this point I’m scared to reach for something I feel I need. I need it and want it so bad right now but I’m scared to death because I know I could be let down just like I let everyone in my past down. Its hard not letting your past define your future. Im at a place in my life to where I know that I want to be loved and what I’m faced with right now is just pure fear. I know in my mind and heart I have nothing to fear but God. Fearing God is enough as it is but facing fate or someone you love can also be intimidating. When dealing with your heart and feelings things tend to hurt more or on the other hand things tend to be more joyous. If you know me then you know I’m a man of few words but that doesn’t take away from my ability to observe. Like how do you tell someone you love them and barely know them? I’ll tell you, I see things differently and its things that I know are wrong but the good that’s comes from this will change lives forever. A person can impact someone’s life by giving a simple gesture, a smile, a laugh, a frown, a song can tell someone how someone feels, and a lot of the time the union is unavoidable. Im ready though and I have thought about it and its time to knock down these walls and live. Maybe Ill write a book about it who knows. Going out on a limb blindfolded with high hope sucks but the experience and adventure will be worth it. So something a lil yummy and some greens sounds about right at the moment lol.. Guess I’ll go to sleep hoping I dream of something good. Till next time people please be safe out there and stay focused!!
Da’Von Joshua Motley Sr.