You never know what the next person is going through. It may look like they have everything together. You may ask them if everything is ok and they tell you they are fine, but deep down they’re struggling with something that you will never understand. The loss of something or someone could bring them to this point. They could feel like they aren’t needed or like they failed at something, or they may feel inadequate. What ever it is thoughts of hoplessness consume them until they feel like the only way to stop the pain of these feelings is to end life. My dad committed suicide when I was 7. I remember like it was yesterday. It was a beautiful day I was at my grandparents and my mom came in the back yard where my little sister and I were playing. She calls me over to her and I could tell she was crying. She sat down next to me and said “Matthew, I have to tell you something…….its about your dad” I could tell it was very hard for her she is a strong woman and she was struggling. Its like I knew I said “is my dad dead” and she just pulled me to her held me tight and we cried together . I was told it was an accident he was cleaning his gun and it went off. I didnt really understand though. From that point I developed a coping mechanism where I pushed my feelings deep down so I didn’t have to deal with them. I detached myself from everything . This made me depressed. I didn’t care about anything. I spent a lot of time with doctors and therapists. I didn’t give them anything . My mom got me the best help but I was not going to bring that shit to the surface and “talk about it” with them or anyone else. It hurt to bad. So I acted out got bad grades. I was rebellious. As I grew older there have been several times when I’ve found myself lost and hopeless. Something always stoped me whether it be divine intervention or the fact that I know what it would do to everyone that loves me . I remember the pain it caused my family. Even to this day the effects are still present. I don’t know what my dad was thinking when he decided to end his life but I’m sure it didn’t include causing us all this pain. Thankfully now I’ve got my mental health under control. Its been a battle that I’ve come so close to losing. This was really hard for me to share without breaking down. If you or anyone you know may be struggling with something even if you think its small talk to someone , anyone about it. Hell you can reach out to me. Hold on things will get better. Think about those you love, they need you. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I was inspired to write this by a song from Chord Overstreet titled “Hold on” and obviously my own story. I hope this will help someone hold on. Please share this if you think it could help.
Rest in peace Dad. You are loved and missed more than you could ever know.
Categories: Matthew Shepherd