To try to desribe what was going on in my head as a kid would be hard , because i am not that kid anymore. However , i have thought about that for years .
What would make me murder ? What would make me take someones life ? My mind as an adult would not allow myself to get into anything like this , my morals and belief system would not allow it .
However , i have tried over and over to figure it out but who can honestly say that they can tell you ? i know what i did but i dont understand it .
I can tell you that i was an awkward kid and i was a very impulsive child .
I didnt have much confidence , i didnt have any real friends and i was always looking for friendship .
I was looking for acceptance from all the wrong people . I was hanging out with people who encouraged me to do things that were morally and ethically wrong .
I watched them do things and i thought that was the right way . I took my example from the wrong people , i didnt have that father figure in my life to show me the way .I learned how to do things in the streets from the drug dealers , gang members and even a couple of prostitutes.
The man that i am today looks back and what i see is a cycle of confusion that was started at a young age when i first became acutely aware of my enviorment .
The things that i seen and went through , shaped my reality . Was my vision warped ? Absolutely ! What i considered normal would have been considered perverse by any well adjusted person who grew up in a enviorment that wasnt “GAME / THE LIFE” oriented .
The world cant judge me until they have felt the pain in my feet .
I was not, at a young age , able to navigate the streets without guidiance. Who was suppose to guide me ? Was it my father ? Was it my mom ? Or Was the lessons of experience my teacher ?
The streets taught me things that no little boy should have ever known or seen . The dope game , is a game that should not be played by anybody , certainly not a little kid trying to be the man .
I learned things about women that i shouldnt have known and i learned how to treat women in a certain way . It most definately was not the right way to treat a woman….
Give her some dope and put her on her knees and then her back !
Is this too much ? It may be but its real and sometimes the truth is raw and hurtful . That was part of the life that i lived .
The streets was a horrible teacher but i was a great student who soaked up everything that my teacher showed me , good and bad .
None of this is an excuse for who i was as a kid or the things i did as a kid but it did shape that kid . This reminds me of one my favorite bible scriptures , 1 corinthians 13 : 11
” When i was a child , i spoke as a child , I understood as a child , I thought as a child ; but when i became a man , i put away childish things. ”
I have said this before , not the bible quote , but my past is just that…. my past. My past is in this case , was my childish ways , but when i came into being me ( a grown man ) , i put away childish things . Not forgetting the past but moving on to the future , my future .
After all of this thought , can i come up with an intelligent answer for my crime ? Absolutely not . There is no reasonable answer , the head doctors for kids would tell you that it was because my brain wasnt fully developed and it was all impulsive and that may be true…….
But theres still a question that needs to be answered , what was going on in my head ?
Honestly , i cant answer that , i really dont know .
Lord forgive me .
As always if you want to discuss this more , you know how to get intouch with me . Until the next time . Be safe out there .