An Alchemist’s Transformation: Pain Into Purpose by Brett Edward Avila

I was terrified and shocked when I arrived at Nebraska State Penitentiary. I had heard it described as “fight club” and a “24-hour drug fest.” I was certain that I would be shanked, attacked, or high within the first day of arrival. I’m from a town of 2,000 people in rural Western Nebraska.

I graduated co-valedictorian and class President of my high school class. I am the first in my family to earn a college degree. I was Nebraska’s New World Language Teacher of the Year. I was not supposed to be in prison. Prison was traumatizing. The men who I have met and come to know since my arrival five months ago have changed my life; my peers and friends have helped me overcome my fears and thrive during my incarceration, thereby enabling me to thrive and be of service to others.

I am thankful for these men and here’s why:

1. I have learned that I am who I am through other people. I am not independent without interdependence. The south African concept “Ubuntu” suggests that if I have one ramen soup left, it is to my benefit to share it. We are able to experience authentic healing via community and recognizing our common humanity and common destiny.
2. I have learned the importance of my tribe. There are a handful of men who I consider to be the misfits in my motley crew. Trauma research indicates that social support is the most powerful protector against feeling overwhelmed by stress and trauma. Connection and relationships with others build and mold us, which is a natural phenomenon as confirmed by Biology and Neuroscience. When we can be our authentic, imperfect selves — and don’t have to change who we are — we don’t have to try to fit in…we just belong, truly belong. I’m thankful for those individuals who’ve given me a sense of belonging and acceptance.
3. I have learned that we can attune with one another through “goofing around” which is defined as humor, play, and touch. Fist bumps, handshakes, hugs, etc. help contribute to a sense of joy and connection. Cracking jokes and friendly card games can actually help us calm down, feel safe, in tact, and protected. Just as our bodies crave food when we’re hungry, we also have a basic human need for touch and connection to another person. When we look for humor in life — even in prison — we can find it and it makes everything easier.
4. I have learned that I am very grateful, even in prison. Happiness is not the root from which gratitude flowers, rather gratitude is the root from which happiness flowers! This very moment is a gift and that’s why it’s called the present. Even when we receive a gift we do not like or do not want, there is likely a lesson to be learned from receiving it gracefully and unpacking it with humility and an open mind. When I have an attitude of gratitude, I become aware of my interconnectedness with the web of life, of which we are all part.
5. I have learned how to get high safely in prison. The scientific term is called “helpers high” and brain science shows that the pleasure centers of the brain light up the same when we eat chocolate, do something pleasurable, or do acts of compassion. I bring joy to myself exponentially faster when I bring joy to others. There are three Buddhist teachings of generosity: a) material giving, b) spiritual giving (helping others, sharing wisdom, and so on), and c) freedom from fear (protection, counsel, etc). It is evident to me that I’ve not only given generously to others, but they have given to me as well. This idea of give-and-receive is known as reciprocal altruism. I’m grateful to know we can get each other high without breaking rules.
6. I have learned that while I will miss many of my peers, some of whom are acquaintances and some of whom I even call friends, I am ready to move forward. I have been reclassified and my custody level has been changed to a minimum security/community-level prison facility. This means I will be leaving the State Penitentiary soon to begin transitioning and reintegrating to society. The readiness I feel is attributed, in part, to the relationships I’ve made and the impact these men have had on my life. They have empowered me to engineer and/or strengthen the 8 Cs of Self-energy and Self-leadership: curiosity, calm, confidence, compassion, creativity, courage, connectedness, and clarity. Landing myself in prison was the drug intervention I needed to humble me and knock me on my ass, but these men have encouraged and coached me to get back up.

I am not a superstitious person, nor am I fundamentally religious, but I do believe in guardian angels. I believe our guardians work through other people and I have no doubt that my most powerful protector, Chase, my significant other who I lost in 2021 to a Fentanyl overdose, is manifesting through the people I’ve met and the lessons they’ve taught me. Brene Brown states, “There is no sin, but the lack of love.” Paulo Coelho reminds us, “Have courage, be capable of loving, even if love appears to be a treacherous and terrible thing. Another of my favorite authors, Augusten Burroughs, advises, “One way to feel less regret over things that have happened in life is through gratitude and humility.” The root word humus means humanity, from which both humility and humor are derived. I may have different details than my peers, but our stories are painstakingly similar. We may have been bad boys, but are still good men. We can turn our pain into purpose, become victors, not victims, and ensure our success, rather than resulting as a statistic. Renew, rebuild, reinvent, and reinvest, not recidivate.

“As long as we feel safely held in the hearts and minds of the people who love us, we climb mountains and cross deserts,” wrote van der Kolk. The loving friendship I embraced during my prison incarceration means more to me than I’ll ever be able to express through words on this typewriter. I’m profoundly grateful for each of these men being a critical part of my story. I will hold them in my heart and remember them always. May we get the hell out of here as soon as possible and never come back! Whether our paths cross again is up to the Universe, but no matter what happens, hugs are always better than drugs.

References:

1. The Book of Joy / Dalai Lama & Archbishop Desmond Tutu
2. The Body Keeps the Score / Bessel van der Kolk
3. The Valkeries / Paulo Coelho
4. This Is How / Augusten Burroughs
5. No Bad Parts / Schwartz
6. The Gifts of Imperfection / Brene Brown

Contact Info:

Brett Edward Avila #217569

Nebraska Department of Corrections – NSP

PO Box 22500

Lincoln, NE 68542-2500