I am a forty eight year old man and I am healing.
Today, while leading the Restorative Justice meeting at Calvin University’s second campus, I became vulnerable and cried in front of a room filled with men. The guys were engaging in a topic that I prepared for the meeting surrounding forgiveness.
Now, in restorative justice, the victim(s) or the community does not have to forgive you for the process to reach completion. The choice will always remain theirs. The choice served as the prerequisite to my vulnerability finding fruition. 
Choosing to forgive someone for murdering a loved one or any sort of violation that robbed you of your innocence or sense of peace proves difficult. More difficult than that stands the unfamiliar and grossly antithetical politically correct position of feeling that forgiveness is mandatory. I stand firmly convicted in this position although it produces a shock to one’s comfort level.
But, who created the determination of where comfort starts and ends? For me, I say God created it when he said forgive if you expect to be forgiven. Pause and think about Jesus on the cross and why He accepted being there and we will return to that thought.
I did not think while preparing for this weeks lesson that my vulnerability would be exposed, but it did. The lesson followed the traditional opening of prayer and notifications regarding information learned during the break between the previous meeting and this one. Shortly after announcements I started reading from material predicated on restoring communities and managing relationships. The relationship portion provided an example of a tree in which the branches, stems, leaves, trunk, and roots made up the components of restorative justice.
Mindful, there exist multiple interpretations of what restorative justice entails. In this version, the tree represented the manifestation of restorative justice. I paused reading to interject a question. I asked; if we set the material aside, do you believe that restorative justice can exist without forgiveness. As expected, the answers were all politically correct and in support of the material. After allowing everyone to respond, I said that I did not agree that people are allowed to deny forgiveness. Then it happened, I was making a point via my case as an example highlighting people that actually change their thinking through hard word and new information. How those people are not defined by the worse day of their lives anymore. Furthermore, I said that not forgiving eats you up while the other person moves on with their life.
My life has progressed with an embedded theology that the police are the enemy and hurting them does not qualify as wrong. That thinking qualifies as wrong because hurting anyone qualifies as negative behavior. And, before I knew it I was sharing a hurtful secret from my childhood. My father died when I six months old and my mother later dated a man that was a police officer. She ended up with two children by him, my younger siblings Damon and Lisa. Their father was a really heavy drinker that would come home and violate me and my brother. I could not help us as I was only a child myself, but I did figure out a way to absorb the majority of the abuse. The abuser’s name was Billy; he would line me and my brother next to one another and make us take our shirts off. He then proceeded to punch us which would send us literally flying across the room. We could not cry or he would not stop.
But how could we not cry? I am not talking about some skin and bones man, this man was healthy and fit. Fortunately, I learned to talk back and he would focus most of his fury on me. Sadly, I developed a serious hatred for people in authority and police in particular. Their lives meant nothing to me and unfortunately I demonstrated such while being apprehended for this case. I despised prisoners that communicated with guards and considered them traitors. That was almost twenty five years ago and thankfully through hard work on myself I am a different man.
Telling this story showed just that, I started crying as I explained the hurt inflicted upon me and my family by Billy. I felt the tears coming as my voice began to crack but I did not stop. I needed to release this burden and tell this man that I forgive him so that I can breathe. It took me a while as my crying would not allow me to speak normal but I did it. I told Billy that I forgive him so that I can remove the hatred of police and authority figures from my heart. I buried a lived theology of trauma and misdirected anger that night. I learned that I was suffering from untreated trauma. I could not completely change my thinking and heal without forgiving Billy–I would carry that anger and trauma until it ate me alive and unraveled all of my progress regarding self-work.
Now, remember Jesus dying on the cross, that part, I can disagree with restorative justice saying forgiveness is not a requirement. However, can I disagree with Jesus warning mankind that if one does not forgive he cannot expect forgiveness? I say no even though God gave man free will to choose. And, one can choose not to forgive at his own detriment. Still, I do not think God wants salvation to be easy. He wants you to suffer and know that in Him rests your strength–ask Job. Then after showing obedience He will reward the faithful in abundance. Even without a religious background forgiveness can cleanse you of hurt and allow you to reclaim your power. I did and I do not feel bad for forgiving Billy. As a result, my new embedded theology is love.
What do you think and where do you stand? Do you believe I am wrong in my view? I am always looking to learn and enjoy deep discussions. I would be honored to hear your feedback, critique, or disgust. You can share with me @ jpay.com or via snail mail @ Mario Collier #238834 MTU 1728 West Blue water highway Ionia, MI 48846
