”Someone has to protect this family, from the man that protects this family”
-Skyler (Breaking Bad)

I got this quote from breaking bad. I think that it just resonates and touches close to home. As Tina (my kids mom) has managed to keep me separated from my children. Even going as far as to just pretend that one of my kids, isn’t even my kid. I don’t agree with this. And have a lot of hurt and anger towards her for this. But when I look at it from the point of view of PROTECTING my children. Then I see things differently. Its sick, but I do remember my kids having to go to the baby sitter, while she was at work. As I was too inebriated to take care of my own children.
So now she uses any excuse just to keep me from my children. Tells me they don’t want to talk to me, I’m sure she tells them the same thing. I guess its easier, as if we don’t give me a chance, then I can’t fail. Its safer to just say your dad dont love you, and that’s why he is not here.
At the end of the day I know she is hateful and mean. But I know she’s not wrong. I messed up 100% of the time. So she has to protect this family from the man that protects this family. My kids are growing up with a single mom, and a dad in prison. I have literally only seen them 10-20 times in their lives. Growing up my father figure was a drug dealer, but at least I had a dad. So maybe things are just for the best. My kids are good, healthy, and don’t need me wrecking their lives.
My heart, mind, body and soul are tormented for my not being there for my kids. But I guess, ”I am what, I am”. But its hard to do the right thing and want to do good. When you have no family and nobody believes in or cares about you.
So FAMILY? If I want a family? I am just going to have to start over. And I’m not too sure that’s what I even want. She is right my kids are just better off without me. I just hope and pray God uses the adversity to mold them to be who they are supposed to be. I would give anything to have the right chance to be with my kids. But as they say, ”that ship has sailed”.
However I don’t feel God will always honor the hate, the lies, the hypocrisy etc…”Blodd makes you related, loyalty makes you family”
That’s all I got. Sincerely, James Douglas Esq.

James Kelly
DOC #59979