INMATE BLOGGER

BEHIND THE BLOG. THE (MOSTLY) TRUE STORY (NOT REALLY) OF SUZIE BOSKO, by Joshua Wood

As you read the blogs on InmateBlogger.com, have you ever wondered about the woman behind the site? Who is she really? Well, here is her unauthorized (meaning totally fabricated) biography.

Suzie Bosko was born in Smallville, Kansas, on New Years Day 1995 to conservative Christian parents who kept her in convent-like conditions. They taught her that they were two kinds of people in the world: good people and bad people. “All prisoners are certainly bad,” they would say, “as well as rap music, Buddhism, and any east coast football team.” She would hold onto these beliefs, blinded to the truth, until a fateful day when she was fourteen years old.

Turns out she had a rich uncle who died and had no heirs of his own, so he left his mansion and money to her. She wondered why her parents never told her about her rich uncle, but her upbringing stopped her from asking such questions. “Go and explore this place,” her parents said. “We will then sell the mansion, collect the money and give it all to Jerry Falwell and The 700 Club.” Touring the grounds of his mansion that looked suspiciously like the Biltmore estate in North Carolina, she stumbled into an unknown cave (at least to her). What she found would change her world forever.

Inside were at least a half dozen inmates. Their clothes were worn and tattered, and the bodies smelled of sweat, shame, sugar, and man-ass. They looked emaciated — like escaped zombie actors from the hit AMC show The Walking Dead. Gazing upon her, they approached her tentatively. Chills ran down her young spine.

What happened to her? Did they violate her? Did they rob her? Nope. Turns out they were cool. And this is what would eventually lead to InmateBlogger.com.

She would learn that her uncle was a fan of convict leasing, and made his vast fortune by forcing inmates to run his maple syrup business. His main buyer was the owner of Aunt Jemima Maple Syrup and he worked his inmates hard under threat of torture. When he died most of the inmates were shipped back to the local prison. But these guys manage to hide out in her uncle’s secret torture dungeon. She was moved to tears by their story. She swore to them that she would never turn them in. Grateful, the prisoners decided they would teach her The Way of the Convict (cue mystical eastern music).

They taught her improvised fighting techniques by showing what common household items would protect her in a fight. She learned the Shank Fu fighting style and made her own weapon — a bedazzled chunk of concrete-sharpened steel crafted from the materials at hand (except for the bedazzler– she had to buy that at Wal-mart). She learned how to boil water where there was no stove. She learn how to make a tattoo gun and ink, as well as how to tattoo on people really cool unicorns. She learned the prison barter system and why food counts as double when gambling. She ran football tickets and a store box. This is why she currently has about 60 cases of ramen noodles in a shed behind her house. And you can have two of them… for three back.

She studied and studied, until the day the prisoners told her that her training was complete. She felt like there was more to know, but the American prisoners taught her everything they knew. She sensed that underlying all of the disparate techniques was a theory of prisoners — something that tied everything she learned together. A Unified Theory of Prisoners.

Not content with what she learned, she decided to learn more. She turned her back on her parents and used her now vast wealth to embark on a quest to find this Unified Theory of Prisoners.

She travelled far and wide. Every prison she entered was a new challenge. But no matter what roadblock was put in her way, she prevailed. She learned leadership from the Commandos Street Gang in the prisons of the Philippines. She learned how to make really cool back tats (unicorns, of course) from the MS-13 in the prisons of El Salvador. And she learned to survive the unsurvivable in the hellhole prisons of France.

One day, after touring the prisons of the world, the Unified Theory of Prisoners struck her mind like a lightning bolt. She finally understood. “But how do I get the free world to understand it?” she asked herself. And thus Inmate Blogger was born.

So now she sits in her con cave with her trusty band of inmates, wearing a clean and pressed orange prison jumpsuit and a Covid-19 face mask, managing her site so one day, the people of the world can understand the Unified Theory of Prisoners too.

P.S. I want to thank Anarchist Prisoner Sean Swain for the vast research he did to bring the story of Suzie Bosko to you (meaning he helped me make this up).

Double P.S. I also want to thank Suzie Bosko for helping to make inmates heard. You’re the best. And you don’t need a cool back story.
Though it can’t hurt.

Joshua Wood #1189105
Buckingham Correctional Center
PO Box 430
Dillwyn, VA 23936

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