Well, for this blog entry I would like to talk about antisocial behavior which is something I have been diagnosed with. This may be the simpleton in me but I always thought that antisocial behavior meant that you avoided people and didn’t like socializing. Well, I’m not always the sharpest knife in the drawer. It turns out that having an antisocial diagnosis means that I take issue with anyone having any form of power over me. This means, a boss at work, the police, a C/O (corrections officer) here in prison, the tax man, or the government in general. If I am going to be honest, at some point in my life, had I been approached by the right individual I would have likely ended up on some compound carrying a semiautomatic rifle screaming government hate slogans. Thankfully I did not, because I have a feeling I would have been a good soldier boy and I likely would have ended up hurting more people in my life.
All that aside, here is where I struggle with all this. With all disdain and distrust I have toward authority how do I ever get to a place where I can trust anyone? The reason I say that is at some point everyone in your life whether it be an officer of the law, your wife or even your child, at some point in all relationships, that person will be in a position of power over you. Especially loved ones. Your wife may not be able to tell you what to wear or your child tell you when to go to bed but they do have the power to love you. The government may have the power to put me in prison and a cop can write me a ticket but they don’t have the power to love me. At the risk of stating a cliché “There is no greater power than Love.” Love gives us self worth and meaning in life whether it comes from the people around you or you have found a way to love yourself. Love is truly an unconditional act which is part of what makes it so pure and honest. Even a guy like me who grew up in a loveless environment can see the value in love but I also see the power that love gives others and that power has always been abused in my life whether by the ones who are by design supposed to love you or even by me.
Love was weaponized in my life so naturally I believe anyone who claimed to love me is only setting me up to hurt me so I’m going to hurt you first.
If I can’t trust love, I sure as hell can’t trust anyone in a position of authority. I have fought through this life with no one beside me but me. It has been loveless and lonely. It is hard to break this cycle and it has led to things like being diagnosed with antisocial disorder but it’s more than that. I am more than a disorder and I will find a way to love and be loved. Being diagnosed with a psychiatric disorder isn’t permanent, it’s not forever, it is a path I walk to get to where I am and if I’m not happy with the path I’m on then it’s time to choose a new path if I want a new future.
I know, easier said than done, but to start with a little positive self talk never hurt.
I hope someone will find a sliver of help out of this and anything I write. I know I don’t share much for answers to much, for instance ” how to cure yourself of antisocial disorder ” but to understand the origin of something, anything really can be the beginning and we have to start somewhere.
Greg Andreotti OID #247877