This is what really dug it in for me. She had lost me for the most superficial reasons. I got tossed to the side like worthless shoes (I still have feelings). She had every reason in the world to lose me that I had NO standing to contest on God’s green planet. But this was the reason she left me. I just could not swallow this. It devestated me and, whether right or wrong, I begrudged her this for all these years resurrected by my masochistic urge to relive old wrongs.
Then I heard it that she had actually done worse than me over the years. I began to get elated (Ain’t that a bitch?). Butt then I became skeptical How coud it POSSIBLY have been any worse for her? I had spent most of the last 31 years in prison. Then I learned that she actually regetted leaving me (WHAT???), she regretted it hard. I guess in her pursuit of her dream-guy she got used up pretty badly.
When I learned this I became completely ecstatic. I felt totally vindicated. I actually hollered out loud, “Yes! Yes! You got just what you deserved!”. I knew this was messed up but I just couldn’t help it. This was tempered a bit when I remembered that, “Hey, you’ve done some pretty messed up things to people, too, not to mention what what you’ve done to her.”. It’s hard to judge when you wear the same brand of shoes. But then, in spite of this, I got feeling vindictive again.
The pain didn’t go away but I consoled myself in the sense of satisfaction that she got hers. It didn’t matter right, wrong, or otherwise. She had hurt me to my very soul.
And then something struck me. The reason i kept feeling so vindictive is because I was hurting so bad inside. That sobered me up. I was being viscious out of sheer pain. Suddenly I didn’t feel elated anymore. Just quietly sad and disillusioned. Her pain did not make my pain go away. And in spite of the fact she was the source of this pain, I no longer wished ill on her. I was simply left with a sense of emptiness and deep sadness. It is what it is. No one should feel this way ever, regardless. Her hurt just added to the net pain of the world.
I pray that things weren’t really as bad as relayed to me. Perhaps, they weren’t true at all. And I hope that she found the hapiness of her dreams, or, at least, some semblance of joy in her life.
Love and Peace.
Okay, now you can judge me.