while its a very real possibility of getting closer to your loved ones while you’re locked up or even a girlfriend or spouse, there is always a very heartbreaking side to loving relationships. I am a person who wears his heart on his sleeve and when I love, I love hard. when I got locked up I was young I was 18 and I might not have known the true meaning of love but I know i cared very much for the woman that where in my life. With that being said I’ve only ever been in 4 serious relationships in my short life, I’ve had many girlfriends that I “went” out with maybe to the movies or the mall or just to hang out. I remember I used to do silly things like slow dance in the middle of the mall or make a big show out of my girlfriend to make her feel like the only girl in the world, when i was 18, before I got locked up, I was dating an older woman she was 23 to my 18 and she wanted to settle down so we did, tryed the whole family thing, tried to make a child to make it official. we were able to make it happen in the end but I had no clue about it until a year later and a miscarage many months earlier. a miscarriage that I didn’t find out about or even known about nor the pregnancy until a year after it happened and I had just began my time in prison. That was the first time my heart was broken. she is now happily living her life and its like I never existed to her even after all her promises of waiting for me and to love me forever. I know that life goes on and I’m not so selfish to ask her to put her life on hold, but I never did ask, she volunteered. when I was in the county jail there was a female I talked to everyday she was younger then me, 16 to my 18. we had dated months before the last girl i was just talking about, about 8 months altogether. I wrote her a letter every single day I was in there and called on the phone when ever I could, we built a stronger relationship then we already had which was wonderful I never said anything about the letters at the time because i figured she was getting them. her mom and I had a good relationship and she was okay with me dating her daughter or so I thought, she was Latino and very religious as was her family and they did not believe in birth control, even though she was just a teenager she wanted a baby. I told her I didn’t think it was such a good idea for me to get her pregnant. I had just dropped out of highschool to get my GED and I hadn’t had the best reputation. when we first met it was at the mall, we hit it off right away. well I didn’t know it but she had a boy friend and they had been together for something like 3 years, I know puppy love but still that’s along time for teenagers. she was very apprehensive about leaving her boyfriend but ended up doing it and fell in love with me, as i said before when I was in the county jail and we would talk everyday, and I was writing those letters everyday, come to find out her mom has been keeping them from her, kinda like the mom in the notebook whom hides all of Noah’s letters. but in this situation just like the first, there were a lot of promises that she would stay by my side no matter what until I stepped out of these gates, well as soon as I made it to prison she was back with her old boyfriend and pregnant, which she was so excited to tell me about, then stopped talking to me for 2 years, until she finally left him because all he did was treat her bad a cheat on her and not take care of his son so she started messaging me and wants me to meet her son and be in their lifes so we start planing our future together, her boyfriend / baby’s father , who doesn’t like me in the first place, hears about it so now theyre back together and she dropped me like a hot rock. which hurts so bad, I’m not just a play toy that’s here when she needs attention or love or just wants to hear nice things about her……. . All these girls from my past know I got a heart of gold, literally every girl i dated has made me promises to be there for me and then all went and got pregnant and then as soon as their babydaddys start being assholes they feel its cool to hit me up and try and make me the step dad, the second choose. is it to much to ask girls to have some authenticity and keep their word? thats what they always ask of me. I’m tired of girls treating me, because I’m locked up, like i dont need them or something. If I didn’t talk to them for months even years at a time then just messaged them out of no where they wouldn’t talk to me at all, especially if I told them I had gotten a girl pregnant and wanted them to take care of my baby. oh and that my girlfriend was still in my life but we “weren’t together” .. I’m a king and I know my worth I just wanna find a queen to share my kingdom with and give the world to. i just wish females would realize not all guys are the ass holes and stop lying to people about the future when they’re just as uncertain about it as us, I know me I’d rather just hear the truth. if you only wanna talk because nobody else wants to talk to you cool, just say that so when somebody does start giving you attention and you up and leave me outta no where I’ll understand. see in a relationship on the outs you can see when stuff is starting to go sideways, a missed text or call or even maybe a Facebook post, but since there is a buffer in between two people, when one is in prison it takes away all the ackwardness of a break up, so in stead of having to slid or slip away with your pride in tacked, somebody can just up and leave and not have to worry about the person behind these walls. all you gotta do is stop answering our calls maybe even block them and ignore our jpays.

Donald Ayers
DOC #729368