fear

Thoughts of Fear and Doubt, by Roger Black Jr.

Can’t shake this thought of what if I don’t get out;
a thought that keeps giving me thoughts of fear and doubt;
maybe I let my hopes of being released get too high;
what if prison is where I’m destined to lay my head and die;
what if the truth is never brought to light in the court of law;
what if this second conviction is my final curtain call;
I had lost all hope, drive, and aspiration in my life;
now I desire nothing more than to make her my wife;
two hearts mysteriously coming together in spite of the odds;
yet another night I lay in this rack fighting these tears and sobs;
she is a Godsend to my life, the answer to many prayers;
growing fonder and closer with each experience we share;
we’ve lived two different lives but this connection seems destined;
our meeting is one nothing in this world could have prevented;
this connection is stronger than any other that I’ve felt;
but I can’t help but examine the cards that life has dealt;
sentenced to 26 years with a life tail leaves uncertainty;
I know this love I have for her could carry over into eternity;
maybe my hopes got too high, maybe I’m not being realistic;
Lord knows my life has become another failed statistic;
she has so much going for her, she has so much at her grasp;
as I think of this, I deeply inhale, to stifle tears I gasp;
the best thing to happen in my life is to have her desire to be mine;
I desire a genuine unconditional love, is this a crime;
trying to get to the point of this, but I am fighting this feeling;
constantly present, these thoughts are far from thrilling;
I try to think of the positive conversations she and I have had;
to shake these nagging thoughts I would be so glad;
I am trying to avoid this feeling by dragging this out;
I wish I could get past these thoughts of fear and doubt;
her loving presence in my life seems too good to be true;
a bond more binding than the binding of the strongest glue;
never have I felt so understood by anyone in my life;
she came into my life and eliminated the pain and strife;
I feel more free and secure than I have ever felt before;
so much disappointment from the past, a burden my heart has bore;
a happiness that I thought I would never experience, especially now;
then creeps in doubt, tempting me to throw in the towel;
but I’m not calling it quits on this connection I share with her;
I want to believe she and I will remain close forever;
I’d love her into eternity if it were a possibility;
to have heard her say the phrase seemed beyond probability;
but it lights up my world when I hear her say, “I love you”;
I know her words are full of sincerity, I know they are true;
she wouldn’t mouth the words unless she meant what she said;
so why can’t I get this nagging thought out of my head;
this thought that I don’t deserve her, that I’m selfishly holding her;
is this just my own insecurity, or is it jealousy I’m not sure;
I know I can’t really be there like she needs me by her side;
fighting the desire to buckle, to escape this feeling I duck off and hide;
I don’t want to lose her from my life, she honestly completes me;
yet in this moment of uncertainty, I catch myself wanting to flee;
resisting the urge to flee because that is all I’ve done in the past;
for once I have a love I want to remain, to forever last;
a connection worth fighting tooth and nail to hold;
here I sit, surrounded by brick and steel, so hard and cold;
the smile in her voice is my warmth every time we speak;
the thought of losing her causes me to cringe and grow weak;
I never imagined in my life that I would be so blessed;
but these thoughts have me feeling so confused and stressed;
I don’t doubt her intentions, for she’s given me many assurances;
but disappointment in my life has been a constant reoccurrence;
she is my present, not part of my painful past;
a constant lingering issue, a reminder of pain that’ll forever last;
she is my happiness, my joy, my inspiration to push forward;
onto her and God I grasp, we form a three stringed chord;
a loving woman who has selflessly given me her heart to hold;
here I sit, panicking, scared, unsure, insecure, about to fold;
only every time we speak, I find the strength to hold on;
our conversation is very limited, restricted to Jpay and telephone;
a visit will one day come, and we will sit face-to-face;
I fear that I may move too fast, desiring all of her, invading her space;
so desperate to be in her presence, so desperate to feel her touch;
she said she’ll forever love me, to these words I will clutch;
in these moments that fear and doubt creep in as to steal my happiness;
Lord knows she is truly my joy, my happiness, my sate of bliss;
to experience life to the fullest with this woman I would be so glad;
as I have said previously, she is the greatest I have ever had;
only, I can’t shake this nagging thought of what if I don’t get out;
a nagging thought that keeps giving me thoughts of fear and doubt.

Since I wrote that poem, she left me. I shared my fears and insecurities with her, and she left me for a guy that I loved like a brother. All of my hopes were hinged on our relationship. I fell apart, but I am putting me back together. I still long to find that special someone that will come into my life and share their life with me to the fullest. I want to find that person that I complete. I believe she is out there, and I know when the time is right, our paths will cross. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and sometimes I trust too easily. None the less, I am genuine.

Roger S. Black Jr #729370
PO Box 740
London Ohio 43140
(email available through Jpay.com)

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