May 18, 2024. Taylor Swift, sorry for not double checking my grammar and spelling during my last post. I had to chop up my blog to fit the 500 word limit and rushed it, but I’ll do better.
Three weeks ago, I found out that my father had died, and my sisters are alive. I knew nothing for the last 46 years, and I still don’t know their contact information and what they look like, yet I think about them every day.
I have a few secrets, and I want to share one with you. I have a daughter (or I at least believe that I do) and I’m tired of keeping it in. I was living with my girlfriend (Kerry) and her parents. We used to go to her sister’s house (Sherry) on the weekends to party. Sherry would always tell us hat she couldn’t have kids because of her husband’s drug use. One thing led to another, and we switched partners during our visits and outings. In January of 1982, Sherry and Bill called us over to their house to tell us (first) that Sherry was pregnant and wanted to state to Kerry and I that it wasn’t mine. During all of this, I was working at Arizona Training Program Phoenix taking care of disabled children. One client of mine (Michelle) she couldn’t talk, walk, or feed herself, and was abandoned. I told Kerry, Sherry, and Bill, if I ever have a girl that I would name her Michelle.
It’s time, Sherry is having the baby! Sherry is asking for Kerry and I to be there at the hospital. But, that’s Bill’s place I thought, but we went. It’s a girl! And, immediately, Sherry names her Michelle. I’ll never forget the look on Kerry’s face. She knew and I knew. Nevertheless, about two weeks later, Sherry’s entire family and Sherry, asked me do I want to hold Michelle? Yes! I said. While holding Michelle I look at her and she looked just like me. I wanted the world to know that Michelle is my daughter, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell a soul. And, at the same time all the secrets of my life and my dysfunctional family’s life rushed in. I drank more, partied more, quit my job, and eventually took off. I never saw them again. I was ashamed. Michelle was supposed to be Kerry’s and mine. I loved Kerry. I wished that I never took off.
I should’ve stayed. All the monsters just ended up being trees. Yet, all I had to do was stay. I could’ve watched Michelle grow up, I would’ve been there when she needed me. So, don’t be like me. Don’t hold in secrets, because they will come out in your actions and behavior.
So, what secrets are holding you back? What secrets are not allowing you to be the person you should be? What is it that you want the world to know? Say it!
Respectfully submitted,
James R. Carlson, #073536
Mr. James R. Carlson #073536
Central Arizona Correctional Facility
PO Box 9600 - PMB #173
Florence, AZ 85132
