Its moments in our lives that require us to in one way or the other to depend on someone. This isn’t the type of “depending” you may think of although it’s important to be able to rely on those who are in your life. When I say depend on someone, I mean you depend on this person to believe in you enough to invest in that person. You have people who will help you, guide you, teach you, listen to you, and encourage you. These things are important for healthy growth and development to take on life and be successful at it. There are other things that every person needs in their life whether they want it or not and that’s someone to be available to them.
As time passes on our attention spans has unfortunately begun to diminish. Technology has our undivided attention and the things around us have somewhere between 0% to 30% on a good day. It’s going on a decade for me being locked up in prison and I have to admit it’s been extremely hard to do. Physically I’m in the best shape of my life. Mentally I’m grounded in my faith in Islam and I’m confident about my future. Spiritually I pray at least 5 times a day due to my religion and it has been the one thing that has keep me sane. However, emotionally I’m drained and I don’t know how I can trust again moving forward. I’ve tried to be AVAILABLE too many times within the last few years and it wasn’t mutual, not even a little bit!
I recent got in touch with my big cousin Mark who asked me if there was someone special and I almost choked up because as much as I wanted to say absolutely, she’s amazing, she loves me for me, she doesn’t hold my past or present against me, and she’s G-d fearing as well Big Cuz!!! That didn’t happen!!! I simply said no its hard finding someone to be emotionally available to someone that’s in prison. I don’t know why things go the way they do except that it’s all just G-d’s plans and I have to live with everything that’s happening. I’ve learned a lesson to always keep my guard up and never take down the wall.
As I sit here and type this on this beautiful day, I look out at the road I see near the prison and watch the cars and trucks pass by. I imagine myself driving again or being with my children going to a movie or ice cream shop. Then I think about riding with the woman of my dreams, and I wonder how that will happen, if it will happen, and why has things failed as of late. It has me doubting myself and my ability to connect on a deeper level. I think maybe the attraction isn’t there and I’m just too laid back for their liking. I ask myself if that’s all that’s out there; games, lies, and unavailability.
I guess I’m just curious to know why waste time and play with someone emotions that’s in a place that already add to someone’s stress and emotional instability. Don’t lead someone on with lies and false hopes of being that person’s backbone. Many of the conversations I’ve had were extremely personal and its things only they know now. It bothers me and I feel used in a sense because I put my emotions on the line and wore my feeling on my sleeve and became completely vulnerable. I’ve been through a lot before prison and I’ve been through a lot in prison, and I just hate feeling alone.
At this point in my life, I only trust my children and certain people in my family and my religious circle. I was already a person who guarded every aspect of my life but now I feel like I have to really watch who I let in my life because they may want to only want what’s best for them. It’s understandable to Wang what’s best for yourself but don’t suck me emotionally dry in doing so. I might be a man, but I have feeling and emotions as well and at some point, I’ve expressed that obviously. Negativity just seems to always find its way into my life when it comes to women and relationships. At this rate I’ll never marry and have a family and obtain the true happiness that I dream of.
I’m only writing this because I feel like I needed to be said. Men have this stigma that we can’t be emotional because we always have to be strong! Well, I am strong and I’m going to be OK but that doesn’t mean it’s OK for women to take advantage of my emotional availability while I’m in such a vulnerable point in my life. I guess I’m so prepared to give someone my all that I’m blind to reg flags and warning signs of someone being fake and having horrible misleading intentions. Please treat people the way you want to be treated. Be available to someone 100% or be upfront with them about your thoughts and intentions because your actions will ultimately show in the end. Having communication and sharing what’s on your mind is important in relationships. This is how trust is built however; I don’t know if I’ll be able to fully trust again because I’ve been hurt too many times. Moreover, I’m putting my wall back up because its were I feel most safe at.
Is it because of my current situation that belief in me is impossible??? Is it because I’m out of sight makes me out of mind as well??? Is it easier for you to dismiss how I may feel emotionally and mentally simply because I’m locked up??? Do you even care or did you ever care about me at all??? Was everything we shared and talked about and planned all a lie??? Was it just fun a game for you??? Was I your emotional pin cushion to only make you feel better??? Why me?? Why plan mind games with me??? Did it help your situation in the end??? Did I make you feel any better about yourself??? Why did you lie about your feelings??? Why did you lie about basically everything you told me???
Nevertheless, I wish you nothing but peace and blessings!!! Be safe watch your health and stay beautiful out there!!
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Da’Von Joshua Motley Sr. (Haleem) #707-119,
Oakwood Correctional Facility, 3200 N. West St. Lima, OH 45801
