peace to my brothers and sisters. I would like to share something deep.
the cards of lessons
Have you evered loved somebody so much that you allowed yourself to be drag through the mud and not realize it. its like going to buy an outfit to dip in the mud and than put it on. I was in a relationship and I loved the woman so much to the point that I was blind to all the ways I was being belittled for 2 years on a daily bases. it was a abusive relationship, mentally and physically and I dont hit women so I took it and every blow I took was a flash back from my pass of being homeless at 10 years old and more. I was never aware of the situation at hand but always aware of the hurt trying to please her. I became so angry to the point I told god I am OK with dying alone and I give up on love. I felt like my heart was cut out and fed to me. I became so numb thinking about my innocent child that I never see and was told that me and my family will never see. it got to the point that I thought if I yelled out the hurt I could shake the planet Cordelia which is very far away in the galaxy. I kept it inside and still do and it got to the point that I became prejudice towards my sisters and I didn’t realize it. its been 6 years and I can’t share a tear. the way I cope with it, is I take responsibility for everything ive ever done and everything that was done to me because I don’t want to be a victim. this how much hatred I developed, I taught my self Spanish which is my 3rd language all by my self so I could leave the country and try to find comfort because I was uncomfortable in my own skin around sisters all because one did me so dirty. the reality is Color is color and no matter the color humans are human but that was my immature thinking. as I matured doing time I realize that its OK, I didn’t know and my family always tell me don’t let one apple spoil the hole tree because they want grand babies yet I am still angry. I tryed to escape human nature but I couldn’t. my heart became cold and I became bitter. I don’t know happiness for real, I put on a smile everyday and conceal it deep inside and study to keep my mind off the race to vengeance. I now realize that I’ve allowed a women to determin that because I gave her to much power now I am scared for life and fell I could never trust a female. i thought i was doing the right thing trying to keep a family together because i didnt want a broken home. grew up in a broken home and its to many broken homes in the world. i caught my first charge because of her, i was lied on and she tesifed on me and in va it only take for a lie to get you in a cell. she cheated on me with my child in her stomach. she disrespected my mother and the rest of the family, I remember the time she spit in my face. I went crazy and caught 10 years at 20 years of age and lost everything. After 7 times of calling the police on me lying, putting a retraining order on me lying saying I hit me child and more when she came back and I forgave her everytime. They drop the charges because they knew i disnt do it but i still got stuck with a charge. this is how the va system is, she laughed in my face saying I suppose to be locked up and told me don’t drop the soap bitch and that’s why she gave me and std with my child in her stomach than hung up. after that I gave up on love and experienced a hurt that I can’t explain. I was so lonley before I gave up on love that I signed up on a penpal website and than cut everybody off when I gave up on love, even the girls that was sending me money. I shut my self out from everybody and still to this day I have no idea of what a real friendship is or real love is, if I had real genuine love in front of me I wouldn’t realize it because I am seeing with my third eye but I am blind to sincerity because of the situation that led me to be traumatized to the point I have bad dreams about them situations and wake up hitting my head on the bunk waking my bunkie up. my homeboys are always telling me I study to much, I need a break and they always check up on me to the point I get mad and its not their fault for caring. now I appreciate them but I find my self still running a marathon away from hurt just to realize I was never running away, I was running to the hurt because all I know is pain. I realized that person was trying to change me to what they wanted me to be. people don’t except people for who they are, they acept people for what they can get out of them. people are moving obliviously stuck in the matrix not conscious of what’s going on around them. i always wanted a family but i have no hope in that no more. as man we conceal our emotions because we are taught to be tuff. america never teaches a man to mature or how to mature, the world and our people just expect us to be mature. if I knew what I knew now I would have did things different but I had to experience that which I experienced to learn a lessons or should I say many lessons. I was hard headed, I lacked guidance and when I had it I didn’t realize it. I call the cards I was deal the Cards of lessons. I still have a lot to learn. I never had friends in normal civilization. I met some of the best people locked in this segregated civilization and now I have a understanding that your people, places and things can take you down or build you up.