my first time in prison. you hear so many different stories about prison. scary ones mostly. truth is, I wasn’t scared. I don’t know what I felt. mostly numb I guess. lost too. I didn’t know what to expect when I got here. all I knew was that it wasn’t gonna be no walk in the park. I knew I had 3 years and 8 months to learn my lesson. I knew this place was gonna be the only thing keeping me from my kids for the last time. I’ve been in prison for a lil over a year now, yea I know, not that long. but for someone who’s never done more than 90 days…. well it feels like forever! anyway, a year has past and honestly it went semi quick. when I first got here I thought my life was over. my family was done with me. I lost my kids. I lost my future. I was so angry and sad and a lot of other shit I didn’t know I could feel. I fought. not too much. but enough to show that I can hold my own. I was trying to figure out where to fit in. once again, wrong choice!! wtf is wrong with me?! fitting in? in prison? sounds lame to me now. but at the time that’s what I felt I had to do. I have two cousins here. both well known. both respected. I guess you can say I got love here. somehow I still managed to get into trouble. it took me almost 6 months of stupidity to realize what the problem was. ME! I was! I see it now so clear. I dont belong here. I can’t fit in. my heart and my conscious won’t allow me to be someone I’m not. despite the things I’ve done, I am a good person with a big heart. yea I messed up and did some dumb shit. but I’m not like most of these girls.. I thought I had problems I was running from?? well I’ve met girls who make me look like an angel. what I’m saying is, we all come from different walks of life. we all think our lives are the worst until we meet someone who has it even more worse. some people recognize their wrongs and want to change for the better. and others are stuck on the wrong path. for me, I was running from my problems at home. mostly embarrassed and ashamed for doing what I was doing and the people I was hanging out with. this was my wake up call. my brother often asks me “why did it take you going to prison to wake up?” my answer – I think I needed this to show me what mattered most. I needed to see that the path I was on was going to ruin my life and my family. I honestly believe God saved me from my own self destruction. I needed to see who really is for me. and mostly to appreciate what I have in life. I come from a good home. I have 2 beautiful kids who I speak with now on a regular basis. I guess I needed time to fix my mind set and refocus. I needed to see that I was worth it, that I matter. I needed to lose everything to realize I had everything all along. I know it sounds stupid but in a way I’m glad I came here. this was a lesson for me. I’m 28 years old and I’m better than who I was a year ago. I don’t need to fit in. I love to stand out. I’m stronger, driven, and focused on family and my personal growth. because honestly, that’s what means the world to me. I lost sight, but I found my way. all I know is, this prison life is not the life I want to live.
Categories: Arlene Hokafonu