I finished watching the football game cut the t.v. off and thought I was going to sleep. Two hours later I put in my ear buds in to listen to some soothing music why I’m still awake I don’t know but its really not unusual for me.maybe my brain is still processing what I gotta do this week in my “busy”schedule . out of nowhere I start crying trickles at first ,then the flood gates open and I start sobbing uncontrollably and I can’t explain why or stop it. its to the point where I have to bury my face in my pillow for fear of being heard . am I losing my mind ,I think I finally turned into a head case that needs to be medicated and I refuse to be a zombie walking around unaware of life around me until I get free, although at times it seems like that would be great ! I can’t explain what’s happening until I realize I’m surrounded yet I’m so all alone…………I have acquaintance’s, people that I kick it with but I’m really truly by myself . I haven’t felt genuine affection or care for what seems like eternity,I know my kids love me unconditionally even though my oldest is still trying to process why daddy made a selfish decision and can’t be with her to take her to school,run errands or just hang out. my youngest was still eight months away from being delivered when I was put here and she’s almost six, she doesn’t really know me and most days it seems like she doesn’t want to and i deserve it .realization just kicked my ass and is having its way with me ! how to make it stop is rhetorical by the time the waterworks stop I’m feeling like someone or something ripped my heart out .then I have what I assume to be a panic attack and can’t breath third-shift officer walks by looks in and gives me the you okay look because by this time my feet are on the floor and I’m holding my arms above my head face wet eyes puffy ,too embarrassed to explain what’s happening so i give him the middle finger and he walks off .finally back to normal whatever that is and I lay back down and try to process what’s wrong with me I still don’t know only my emotions got the best of me and I’m losing my sanity.
11/2018

Marcus McFarlane #a698-790
p.o. box 901
leavittsburg oh 44430