So I remember a time when I was a coward. Not in the way you may be thinking, I’m not scared of anything but I was at one point scared to lose something that wasn’t really mines in the first place. Here I was sitting in a Maximum Security Prison Cell trying so hard to get comfortable and make it my new home, I was suicidal, depressed, angry, and agressive but i was scared to lose a relationship that i put into jeopardy. I cheated on my then future Wife and had a son in the process. Not one of my best moments in life but I was afraid to admit that I, Mr. perfection had fucked up, and to make it worse I continued to lie about it because I was afraid to lose that companionship that was already gone. I was delusional, thinking I could continue to lie, I was lost in the sauce and I just wasn’t ready to let her go at that moment. I knew she didn’t have any intentions on staying with me for 152 plus months while I paid my obligations to society. No way was she going to dedicate that time to me, Not saying she was a bad woman but our realtionship wasn’t built on that type of foundation. We weren’t mentally strong together, it was always a blame game on her behalf and I just kept what I knew about her tucked in because I just wanted to have someone of my own to love, even if I knew the love wasn’t really real!! I was what I call a “Sucker for Love” at that moment. So phone calls stopped being answered and the letters stopped coming, the jpay messages ceased and eventually I was in that cell alone, mentally and emotionally, my stress level was out the roof and I did a damn good job at hiding it everyday. Confidence was low and again, Having Congestive Heart Failure I was afraid to die in prison. I cried myself to sleep every night hoping my cellie didn’t hear me. He knew what was going on but he kept his distance and supported me through every suicidal moment. Then December 5, 2017 came. It was a normal day in prison, starched jeans, crispy white t-shirt, golds shining, feeling like a couple of bucks but looking like a million, and I decided to go play basketball with the boys. We played hard for a hour straight. Then I collapsed after crossing my boy H-town over and taking it to the rack. I scored but i don’t remember anything after crossing him over. I went into cardiac arrest, and when my derfibrillator revived me, I went into Ventricular Tachycardia, I was out for 9:12 layinig on that carpet floor before the Officers and the nurses came to help me. My fellow convicts were outraged, they were screaming at the officers and nurses to help me. And when I woke up (Thank You YAHWEH), I was finally fed up. Something changed in me, the things I was afraid of no longer frightened me, the people who had forgotten about me no longer mattered, the people who hated me mde me hungry and all the failures in my life became fuel to become successful! I began loving myself more than I loved myself when I was free, If you know me you know I Love me some Me!!! I gained a confidence that I didn’t even have when I was having my way in the world. I was in prison, alone, but I was no longer angry, hateful, depressed, and most importantly delusional. I told myself I was gno longer going to play the victim in this whole situation. I began trying to make amends with all of the people I hurt, especially the mother of my youngest daughter. I didn’t want to harbor any hate towards her, it was not going to help me grow into the man I ws destined to become. I gave up all of the hatred I had inside of me for those individuals who told on me, I decided I was going to love my father even if he wasn’t in my life for the first 30 years, I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt and try to build a realationship with him, I forgave my mother for all of the hateful things she has said and done to me, I had forgiven everyone who had been in my life and violated my trust, no matter how bad they hurt me, all I wanted was to be happy and for people to be happy for me. I was tired of lying to myself, telling myself everything was okay. No things weren’t okay at that moment but they were going to get better Only if I took control of my life again. So I gave up on allowing people to let me down, I quit putting people in the position to disappoint me. I quit giving people the benefit of the doubt. I was tired of being sad, I didn’t mind being alone anymore, as a matter of fact I was happier alone than I was before. Happier than I had been in my life as a free man. I have found the stength to get up off the ground alone after laying there for so long waiting for someone to come help me. What was i afraid of? I began to question everything I had allowed myself to endure previously. Why was I sad I lost a woman who didn’t really care about me anyways? Why was I upset so many people had forgotten me when they did absolutely nothing for me in my life? Why was I allowing other peoples opinions of why I was sick bother me when they had no clue what was wrong with me in the first place? I began to smile more, I quit caring about the past, I was growing in my faith daily, something I found out I needed. I had been trying to do things on my own instead of allowing Yahweh’s will to work for me. I’ve learned that when everybody left me alone, when everybody gave up on me, when everybody doubted me, My Heavenly father was right there with me the whole time. So I asked Yahweh to take away everyone and everything that was not good for me, anything that would deter me from doing his will and he did that. He gave me a new occupation, a new path in life. I was finally fed up with the caliber of life I was used to living. Feburary 11, 2020 I received my Paralegal certification and I am currently pursuing a Bachelor’s Degree. He gave me a beautiful woman who loves me and I’ve always had my children who never stopped loving me. I am so thankful for what I do have in my life and I no longer worry about what I lost!
Fed Up!

KAMERON CROWDER
DOC #115754