I DIED INSIDE! by James Kelly

“I died inside, I tried, I cried, and to myself I lied.
You might say that ”inside” meant inside prison where I’ve been for the majority of my life. But it wasn’t ”technically” in prison. I DIED INSIDE!!
On the inside of my body, my soul, my heart, and my mind.
Something inside me has just died. Yea I lie to myself. I act like everything is fine. I to through the ”motions” of life. I try to be positive, outgoing, and still push on. But how do you really give it a100% effort, when you are ”just over it”.
See in life they always say ”Only the strong survive”. Well I’m surviving, but I’m not living life. The pathetic part is that I seem to be happier and more productive here in prison. I was really lost in my addiction. But at least I was ”free”, meaning NOT HERE.
I’ve been so hurt by people in general, that I just don’t know what to do.
I really understand R.C:-) I think about you every day. But I agree people are just 😦
I really almost died from this last heartbreak. Between my maternal ”mother” throwing me away for the 2nd time in my life, Laddie breaking my heart, and Red proving that we aren’t even friends. Plus people that I was loyal to, took care of, provided for, just shitting on me. I just don’t know what to do. You can’t buy loyalty. People resent you for taking care of them. They hate that you are doing good, like your trying to be better than them, by providing for them. I just don’t understand how you can be good to people, not shady, not talk crap, not use, always be there for them. Just turn their back on you.
As far as relationships go, I just don’t understand. How you can grow up, mature etc…Treat woman like Queens, not hit, not be jealous and controlling, be good to them etc…They would rather be with guys that control, hit, jealous etc…
Well I know thats not love. I don’t understand everything. Guess I don’t need to. God is in control, I’m not. Something inside me died. Maybe one day when I’m ready God will put the Queen in my life to breathe life back in to my HART.
One day I’ll have the people in my life that realize that they have to have me in their lives and won’t let go.
My heart goes out to my princess Nevaeh baby girl they say you dont want to talk to me. I’ll bet they tell you I don’t want to talk to me.
Baby its not your fault I’m gone. One day you will see and understand.
”Blood makes you related, loyalty makes you family”
In a lot of ways I’ve learned im strong. Peoples actions will speak louder than their words. A lot of people are just dead to me. “Love is a verb, without action its merely a word”. So they have chosen.
To my friends and family I love you guys. The Morgs, Ang, and Rusty too.
See you soon. Auf-Weder-Sehen

James Kelly
DOC #59979

aka: Difference

Categories: family, James Kelly

1 reply »

  1. Jesus will restore it all when you release it all and let the pain be replaced with His forgiveness and grace. He won’t leave you when you mess up and he won’t give you up to your enemies to destroy you anymore. Ask Jesus to show you what He thinks of you and to teach you about how deep His love will go to rescue you!


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