yah, idk exactly how to describe the way that I deal with inner clouds.. I would have to say that one thing to consider is that almost my whole life I have dealt with everything on my own.. like I’ve mentioned, in my teen years I was introverted times a million, so there was no chance to even think about someone knowing how I felt– if I even knew.. I became better at knowing my inner weather then, but as a teen its mostly jus angst and imagined ‘pain.’ you will never hear me say that I am feeling ‘pain.’ just because that adverb isn’t really appropriate to what I personally experience in Loss or Disappointment.. I mean, obviously I know that it sounds callous, and anyone who knows me can certainly testify that I am the picture of affection– but ‘pain’ is an inappropriate designation, in my eyes.. in the same way a human being would be more appropriately termed a human becoming.. unless we modify the idea of ‘being’ to actually mean ‘becoming,’ then we can use the term.. that in Being one IS Becoming.. fine. but pain, as a soul experience, this is inflective.. it is an add on.. a misnomer, if we’re being honest.
If your feelings are hurt, do you feel pain? what feels pain? your heart? the one in your chest, or the invisible heart that runs our egohood? pain is an ego word.. ‘I am hurting.’ ego. ‘It hurts me.’ ego. ‘why me?’ ego. just to be clear, I am not saying that this is in some way a negative thing, or a wrong thing, or any morally implied conclusion.. We’re only observing.
What is called pain, is an experience of the thinking and emotional centers in response to an outer event that is lived through in the moment, or in the memory–but can also be the product of imagination.. and so, what if a person had the power to change the word, to change the concept, to change the meaning of their experiences so that it was no longer something that was ‘happening’ to them but something by which they could understand the Truth of Reality more clearly.. what if the feelings that we associate with ‘pain’ weren’t termed that at all? what if the were termed purpose? what if every little or much pain you went through was purposed? purposed to reveal your Self to your Self… I do not feel pain, I feel purpose.. that is a way that I might describe how I deal with inner clouds.. dark water bearing clouds..
Bobby Irelan
DOC #F-59719
