Having a heart murmur and also being a crack baby brought me into this world with a slight disadvantage. My mother chose her addiction over me and gave me to my great grandmother at the age of 7 weeks old. Being raised by my great grandmother, her husband, my aunt, and her son whom I was raised to believe was my brother. I was loved but in a toxic way, verbally, mentally, emotionally, and physically abused because of my mothers choices & actions. I became apart of a cycle that was created before I even existed. So the love I was taught was the only love I knew, in the midst of the tearing down in order or attempts to rebuild process. My great grandmother would always tell me,” be better than the mistakes of your momma, even better than the ones you will make.” She loved me the best she could but I reminded everyone of my momma so much, that they couldn’t help but prepare themselves for what they felt was inevitable. So instead of becoming that stereotype I decided to take my grannies advice. I excelled in school, was above average at sports using their doubt as my motivation. That worked for awhile, but since I wasn’t doing it for me and my family still didn’t care, neither did I. I found the love I was looking for after multiple attempts of running away in a local gang that my brother/cousin was already apart of, their acceptance and love was all I yearned. Even with all I did to prove myself and loyalty to this organization, they seen my potential intellectually and pushed me even harder to get my education. My brother got killed by a rival gang, the surviving members either began going to jail, were killed, or began to disperse. Seeing my brother in that casket after seeing him slumped in the driver side seat of his car the night he was murdered, changed me and my life forever. My grandfather died and within those deaths, the only father figures I had outside of my mothers sometime husband whom I looked up to; were gone and a big piece of me left and died with them. My pain only intensified the severity of my cycle, leading me not only to creating cycles in others whom I encountered, and loved because of the pain and hurt I had deep within me. But also put me on a crash course that led me to eventually being locked up in a prison within myself, all the way up until I actually got incarcerated. I had choices along the way and I blame no one for the mistakes I made, my pain was ,and is no excuse for my actions. The pain and hurt I still feel from the losses of all those I love including my mother whom recently passed, the pain from those whom I’d sacrifice my entire being for turning there backs on me since I’ve been locked up etc.. Only hurts my hurt, but because I have identified and accepted the cycle I inherited, I have been able to take the necessary steps to break it. I refuse to be defined by my mistakes, I just hope that with this knowledge I can help others including my daughter understand as well, before the cycle of hurt people hurting people continues.
Categories: Taran Helms