In my metamorphosis of becoming a man never did I think with all the potential I had, that I’d end up caged like an animal. Having my daughter changed my perspective on life. My pain no longer hurt, just the thought of pain coming to her did. My mere existence was all for her, and I’d drown a fish and kill a stone over and about her. In attempts to provide her with all I felt she’d want in life, I made a mistake and in those efforts took away all she needed in me. I taught my baby to talk, crawl, and walk, but her only and earliest memories of me are from within these walls. 2016 I lost my mother unexpectedly, she was all my daughter had whom she felt she could confide in. When she passed my daughter asked me ” daddy your gone and now Nana’s gone too. So who’s gonna love me now?” A question that not only ripped my heart into a million pieces, but one that I truly couldn’t answer for her or myself. Since my mothers death my daughter has isolated herself, thoughts of suicide, running away, and drug usage are all thoughts in which she has resulted to. Following followers and becoming a product of her enviorment. She’s loss hope in hope and is slowly losing faith in me telling her I am coming home soon. Her seeing me maybe twice a year and our 15-30 minute conversations with me has little to no revelance, when it comes to all she has to deal with after we hang up. She has even recently revealed to me that she was molested when she was 9 and asked me not to tell her mother, I couldn’t keep this away from her mom. That was one of the biggest mistakes that I could’ve ever made, because instead of consoling her and making her understand what happened wasn’t okay. She was interrogated and treated as a suspect instead of the victim, which has only made her shutdown even more. She no longer feels she can trust, confide, or expect those who are suppose to be here for her and protect her to do just that. I look at my pictures of those I have left to love daily which reminds me of why I fight, and my baby said every day she wakes up she asks God why is she even here? I left her when she was 1, she is now 12.. I lost my mother 3 years ago on 4/20, and every day since I feel like I am losing my baby too. My mistakes and actions not only locked me up 11 years ago, but it has also put my baby in a prison too. With me knowing I am possibly coming home soon, I just ask myself daily once I am released will I be able to help my baby escape the prison she is in as well. Because as of now she not only feels like a mistake, but she has become a casualty of my mistakes as well…………………
This something I wrote for the WASHINGTON POST that didn’t get published!
Taran Helms
DOC #A553971
