In addition to the issues I had as a child my discovery of sexuality revealed an immense amount of stress and confusion to my already complex life at this young age.
I was nine or ten years old when I discerned my sexual preferences. My youngest sister who was two or three at that time wanted to play her favorite game. Hide and Seek. So as always I bent to her will and played with her. Of course she got to hide first so I had to seek her out.
This led me to her favorite hiding spot… Our parents closet. This is where I discovered their stash of pornography, sex toys and many other things that I never knew existed until that day. During my discovery and further investigation through curiosity I quickly realized to what and to whom I was attracted to. Woman, mostly??? but wait… would this make me “straight” since I was born a boy? or a “lesbian” since I knew I was a girl?
Even more confusing I found myself fantasizing being in the submissive “bottom” role. Visualizing being the girl. All of these thoughts were so perplexing that it made it very difficult to pinpoint my identity.
I was raised to believe that all forms of homosexuality were wrong. That it is a choice, but it never felt like a choice to me. I mean, when do we consciously decide to be “straight” or “otherwise”? We don’t just wake up on some random Sunday in spring and decide ” hmmm… I want to have sex with a boy today”. That’s not how it works right?
I was a girl who loved girls! and boys? This didn’t feel wrong, it was as easy as breathing. As we all know the heart wants what the heart wants. No matter how hard we fight against that fact, the outcome seems to always be the same.
You can’t help but be who you are truly meant to be…