The Terrible Dream of Me
As I fall from graces thought of as home
I reach for a hand, to find I’m alone.
Bracing for impact I hit first a stone.
Waking up in unsurmountable terror
I realize I’m still falling there must be an error.
Picking up speed and reaching for life
I find myself impaled by a serrated knife
My vision is dimming and heartbeat slows
I know my body cannot take more blows.
Falling still into a pit of despair
Hoping my pain will stop before I land there
I realize my face is covered in tears
Ripped and torn soul for feeding the fears.
Ignorance and insecurities driving my life
The last face I see is that of my wife
Demons and Devils laugh at my pain
I scream and beg, but I know its in vain.
Slashing and ripping eating my heart
But wait, that’s not even the best part
I know better than to lay in this pit
I hear someone calling, but my body’s forfeit.
Chocking and gasping I wake with a start
To find myself not torn apart.
The love of my family is driven by a desire to be wanted
I know my dreams will be forever haunted
To the depth of my pit, and the whole of my soul
I vow to one day take back control.
Angels and Demons
Halo’s light, beacon of hope
Poison drips down a slope
The Angel’s armor is polished bright
The Demon fights with all his might
The Angel bows her head in solemn grace
The Demon slain has her lovers face.
Weeping over top of his broken body, she kneels on blood stained ground
He smiles into her eyes, and eases her frown
Her love for him turned upside down
He struggles to show his love has no bounds
Begging for help from her savior host
He is slowly becoming another ghost
Taking his hand and holding his heart
He kisses her lips and whispers “till death do us part”
My life has been full of violence, anger, and hatred. I am a reformed gang member, proud and happy father, and married to an amazing woman. The parts I’m unhappy with, are all me. I have an affinity to making those in my life hate, regret, question, and deny, me. I’m not perfect, and I’m better at hurting others than making them love and care about me. I have many problems with because of how I was raised, and I use that as a self-defense. Even against people I know won’t hurt me. I have always lived by the creed of “hurt them before they hurt you”, and many other negative, unproductive creeds. The people that were supposed to love, care for me, and teach me, as a child only beat me into submission, and hurt my heart and soul. The hardest part of being with me, is my past. I expect to be hurt and or betrayed by every person I come I to contact with. My poor wife loves me, but wants nothing to do with me because I am hard to love. I know it’s way more than being hard to love, I’m jealous possessive, angry, and bitter. I’ve had to fight for every ounce of respect, food, and hold onto life since childhood. I have tried to tell her my life has made me a vicious man, but she doesn’t, and will never understand my life struggles. I was beaten bad enough to miss school for days, sexually molested, and very badly mentally abused. I see good in very few things, and have been taught that no one will love something like me. My fears and insecurities have dominion over me. My wife used to love me very deeply and purely, but as usual, I ruin everything I touch. I am struggling in life, and I deserve every piece of pain I taste as a man. I’m losing the very thing I hold dear, and I can’t do anything about it. I’m not saying that it isn’t my fault, not at all. But its not ALL mine to bear. My wife is beautiful, smart, intelligent, funny, devoted, faithful, a provider, a great best friend, and an even better mother. But I’m not the man she craves any longer. At least it feels that way. I expect it, and I know I can’t have someone as good as her. My prophecy was read when I was born, and it said “you endure and cause great pain, more than loved ones can imagine, but your struggle will end eventually.” Almost sounds true, huh? Well, I’m going to end this little blog. It’s my first, I hope people get an inside view of my head, and learn something from it. Just because life is painful and extremely complicated, don’t make those that truly love pay for the pain others gave you.