It was 10/31/18, Halloween night and I learned to understand my life, and live it in love, not anger.
I just had an eye opening experience about six months ago while sitiing in the hole at Stafford Creek Correctional Center. I am going to share my understanding with you.
I was having a bad week because DOC, and the attorney general got my monetary award over turned in the court of appeals after four years of a legal battle that I won in the superior court.
The monetary award was taken on the grounds that I am a prisoner, and because the state passed a new law that prisoners may not be awarded penalties unless they prove that the agency acted in bad faith while not providing responsive records under the public records act.
So I was upset at the corrupt system and the fact the courts awarded DOC court cost of almost $1,000. I won the case but I’m forced to pay court cost. I have been conditioned to this kind of treatment over the past twelve years of prison but at this point in my life I cannot help taking everything personal.
So I am sitting in the chow hall eating with my buddy Steve, and his celly. I was not eating, I just went to give the food away. Steve put his dinner roll on my tray and so did his celly, then his celly got up and left.
I was just sitting there waiting for Steve to finish eating when Sergeant Mccarty came up to the table and strated to complain that I had too many dinner rolls on my tray and that I needed to get up and throw one away.
I sat there for a second thinking how petty I was being treated, and I was already upset about the injustice that happened to me with the court, and I because angry and said to my buddy Steve, “fuck this.” I got up and headed out of the chow hall as fast as I could without running, and I threw the entire tray in the trash.
The sergeant heard me say fuck this, and she took it personal and came after me saying sir, sir, give me your ID. I turn to see her following me with her hand outstretched asking for my ID. Before I could even think I snapped the ID from my collar, and flipped it on a table between the two of us.
McCarty called a code and stated to me that I just assaulted her. It was crazy, but that is the system, and you can imagine the report she wrote, of course, it was just more craziness. McCarty said she was in fear for her life from the force at which I threw my ID on the table.
I was not personally angry at the sergeant McCarty, but of course she took it peronally. Sergeant McCarty wrote me up for three major infractions: assault, intimidation, and throwing something in the direction of a person. These three infractions are like class C felony in prison.
I was found guilty of intimidation, and throwing something in the direction of a person, and I was sentenced to eleven days in the hole.
So I am now sitting in the hole angry, being treated bad by staff, and for some reason I started asking myself this question, “why are you so angry?” not just in the moment, but my entire life, the answer was I have been angry my entire life because of the hypocrisy, and injustice in the world.
Then for some reason I reflected back to a documentary that I had seen on Buddhist monks, and how they believe that everyone in the world is insane except for a couple of enlightened ones. I had not seen that documentary for ten plus years but it came to me like I had just watched it
The light bulb came on in my head and I could see the monks had a point, and that it was truly a valid argument that everyone around me is insane, me included.
I could now see that the entire world was in fact an insane asylum, and how can people say they are sane when they are killing people all over the world in the name of peace, and much worse.
So after I took this point of view that all of the people of the world are insane, it was as if a huge weight was lifted from my sholders and I at once felt better.
I believe that there are levels to people’s insanity, and if I get angry at a person that is even a little insane, then I am insane.
I am no longer mad at the world because I can see that people are just out of their minds, and they are truly like small children throwing temper tantrums.
I am far from perfect and enlightened myself, but I am far less frustrated about the world being so messed up.
I do not trip on the hypocrisy, and the injustice anymore because that is just the way this life is, but maybe someday enough people will be able to wake up to these things and society will not live in this insanity anymore.
I will always do my best to will the good that our society really needs because there are others doing the same thing before and after me.
It does not seem like a perfect world to me all of the time but whom ever started this think we call life is far wiser than I, and everything we are all going through, good or bad is just the way it was meant to be.
It is a perfectly crazy world we live in and I am learning to live each day better than the day before.
So I have no judgement, just the belief that we all can make a difference if we try.
In the end does it really matter, I really do not know and will probably never know the answers to the meaning of life, but if there is something more after this life I do want to say I did my best to do, and be what I believe in.
Ok that is my story, and I hope you are being true to yourself, and what you believe you are in this life. No matter what that may be, just be true to who you are and live the life you were meant to live.
There is no one that can tell you how to live your life. Just try to stay clear of the insanity.
Love, and understanding are our only hope for peace on earth.
I’d love to get your feedback and perspective, Please feel free to contact me via jpay.com.
Sean K Lancaster
Categories: Sean Lancaster
Nice post. Glad you have dealt with your anger issues. Thanks for sharing. I hope you now walk an easier path. Good luck Dude.