Just thinking about this topic has mad memories running through my head. Growing up my pops and I never had a close relationship, but over the years I’ve tried to move on from the past and develope as new relationship now that I am grown. My pops and I have a lot in common. We share the same name we look damn near alike, but the thing we have most in common come to find out is weed!!
Call me crazy but I tried to use that to build a bond between us being I sold weed and he did also when he was young. I shared some things that I had going on with him, he would give his advice on different things. I remember he told me his favorite weed was called “Columbian Gold” and if he were going to smoke again it would be that. So I went on a hunt and found some. It took some time, that strain of weed isn’t popular these days so when I found it I was excited. I always wanted to smoke with my pops and here was my chance. By the way the buds were gold, I see why they call it what they did. We ended up smoking, he was surprised I found it. After that I felt we had become closer. Time passes and he recommended some of his friends to do business me. That to me I thought showed he was cool with my hustling.
Well things were going smooth for a few years now, I’m coming to cookouts and over for holidays which is something I didn’t do before we bonded. Like all good things, this too came to an end. I end up catching a case in 2014. This is when I find out where I really stood with him.
Now after all this time we’ve had conversations about me saving lawyer money (which I did by the way) and him telling me to be careful, I catch this case and he acts like he knows nothing about what I was doing to his wife. Not to say he should say I knew my son sold drugs to anybody but what hurt me the most was when I heard he let his wife talk trash about me without checking her. Even just to say don’t talk about my son like that. So, I asked him when he came to see me when I first fell was he embarrassed and his words were “why should I be embarrassed its your life”. I took what he said then but his actions showed different. I tried to call few times with no answer.
I finally asked my brother what was going on and he didn’t want to tell me at first but he eventually came around. He told me my pops said if I wanted to talk to him I needed to write a letter. HUH??!! He said a letter would give me time to think about what I wanted to say. I’m thinking bullshit that makes no since he wants me to write a letter so he can show is damn wife who I never liked for real by the way, but that’s a whole separate story. A year goes by I’m still fighting my case .I haven’t written that letter nor have I called. Mind you he lives 5mins from the jail and doesn’t come to see me.
I think I ended up calling him on fathers day and told him I might as well be dead to him and hung up. That was 2015 and haven’t heard from since. I had I friend tell me I needed to write that letter because I was holding on to anger and it was keeping me prisoner. So, I did. I let him know how I felt about our relationship from childhood til that present day. I didn’t write in anger I just expressed myself that best way I knew how. I did it to free myself, to honest I still thought he would let his wife read it but I didn’t care. It did cross my mind to throw some private things he told me to ensure she didn’t read it but I chose not to be petty.(lol) He never wrote back. Not a surprise.
I’m saying all this to say, I have a son and I don’t care what he has done I’ll always be there for him no matter what. I may not agree with everything he does but it is my job as a parent to guide him through the bad choices he makes and pray he learns from them, not leave him to figure it out like my pops did me. I’ve never done time before, I had no idea what to expect he used to be deputy so he had knowledge of the system and still chose to leave me to the wolves. I’m quite so I laid back and found my way, but it would have been good to know what to expect. My point is with out my pops guidance I still thrived in an environment I knew nothing about. My bid is almost over and I’ve told myself our(pops and I) relationship will NEVER be the same. All I focus on now is my relationship with the people who really love me no matter what. If I learned anythjng on this bid, it was you find out who is really for you when you fall. With that being said, shout out to EVERYBODY that has hit me up since I’ve been gone I’ll never forget it. As for my pops I wish him well, but I have no plans on seeing him again. Thanks for listening to me vent. Til fingers hit the Jp5 again. Be safe out there.
Carl Ferebee
DOC #1677968
