Wayne Gilliam

Wondering Thoughts, by Wayne Gilliam

I remember when I used to dream, have aspirations to be something. now those days seem so far in the past, just a bunch of ideas thrown away with one or two wrong choices. now you tell yourself how different you would’ve done things, only if you could’ve. its all bullshit because you only get dealt this one precious hand. so now you have to wrestle with yourself trying to figure out how to spread the blame. you don’t know how to explain to your children that for some stupid reason being seen a certain way was more important than seeing them grow. what child can understand the selfishness of the choices that you made once upon a time and, should they even try to forgive you? can they understand that you put others before them even though those same people are lost in the wind? how do you fail the only good energy you’ve ever put on this earth, your children? I hope that one day I can earn at least their forgiveness but how do you begin to ask?
I no longer have those dreams. my nights are sleepless because of ghosts and lost opportunities. if only you could show the world what you’ve been through, would people look at you the same or, would they have some sort of sympathy for the difficulties you’ve lived through? could they also survive the environment you were raised in? I ask myself at what point in life could I have changed the outcome or was this life just destined to me from the beginning. who has the answer to that…who do we turn to to seek redemption? I’m not speaking of looking for God or some spiritualism, I mean which red blooded human being can judge what kind of person you are and actually be right about their observation? do I have faith in a parole board full of biased “humans” with chips on their shoulders that were placed there way before my time? is that what we are supposed to believe is fairness? if so, why have any faith at all, why not just lie down and admit defeat? how are they any better than you when they rule over your life just like you once thought you ruled the world?
and what about the relationships that you try to make work while you’re down, how do you ensure that your significant other understands what exactly you’re going through. but first off is it even fair to be in one knowing the toll it’ll take on you both mentally? and after they fully understand what they’re in for is it right for them to turn and treat you however they feel at the moment? can they really call themselves your loved ones if they hide and deny you the minute some outsider asks a question or even just comes around?or when your phone calls only get answered when there’s no one else around because they’re that embarrassed to even know you. didn’t there used to be a saying like “if you feel embarrassed or ashamed by what you’re doing then, you probably shouldn’t be doing it”? should I willingly emasculate myself just because someone claims to love me, even though their actions say otherwise? like how do you react when you’re obviously in need of anything but if you ask for help you get it thrown right back in your face to make sure you realize just how low of a human being you are? or when no matter what, you are always put behind every other person in their life whether it be boss, friend or family? what then, knowing how little you really matter in their life when compared to everybody else? should there be a moment where you just call it quits instead of having to feel inadequate or inferior in your own skin???
yeah, life in prison sucks, there’s no ifs, ands or buts about that fact! and that always makes me wonder why so many people insist on coming back over and over! and the guys who are just here for a few months or even a few years that just complain the whole time instead of trying to fix their lives, just amaze me. if they only knew what I’d give to trade them places if only for a short time! you try to steer them in the right direction but most of the time you’re just wasting your breath because all they want to do is get out so that they can come back the sooner the better. its so sad because some of them have a lot of potential if only they’d stop for a moment and evaluate past choices and what they truly want out of their futures.I try to let them know how bad I wished I’d done things differently, how I wished I could be around to watch my son grow into one great young man and my daughter become the woman I always knew she’d be. how I wished I could be there to tell and show them how proud I am to call myself their father. man, if only I could make them see…

P.O.BOX 120

Categories: Wayne Gilliam

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