Thomas Herbert

My Story Continued, by Thomas Herbert

I remember getting on the stand to express my own thoughts. I remember crying because I could feel the pain of his mother at the loss of her son. I could feel the pain even of the angry uncle whos partially racist remarks about me and my cousin bit hard into my chest. The look in his eyes wanted to kill me even though he never knew the truth of my story. All he saw was a beast who had caused the death of his nephew. i understood him but he was far from understanding towards me. No one who stood up that day to talk for either side could prove me savage nor violent in any shape form or fashion wheather by factor opinion. If by opinion then it would only be to the fact that its what they wanted to believe. Anyone can go into my neighbor hood and ask about Thomas Herbert, they mostly just simply called me Ti(t). Whe nhod fights went on I was on the sideline because it made no sense to me. I would stop a fight before I got into one or started one. Everyone knew for sure that if I had a fight it was because someone forced my hand. Not even my wife for whom I was seperated from could say anything abotu me that could back there cause and she would have had the most reason to protrait me as mean or evil or malicious or even violent. The truth is that .. IAM NOT WHO THEY MADE ME OUT TO BE ! That bothers me deeply that bothers me just as deeply as the mother of Adam who pain still resides in my chest deep with in my heart. I know loss personally , intimately and it’s nothing i’d soon wish on anyone. Though it’s natural to live and to die it’s not natural to be taken before your time. I remember I cried that day after years of never sheding a tear “as they say men are not to do”. I could not hold them back. To think tha not one single tear have i cried for my self. I told my lawyer that if I am to blame for this then I ca nsee no reason to send me home and I was willing to take my charge and do time but not my life. There was never any intention of harming Adam. It wasn’t until that moment in that field that I thought I had to save self. Many days I still wish I could contact his mother and express my thougths to her. I never apologize of say that I am sorry to anyone. Usually if I offend you it was ment but maybe I hadn’t observed the outcome and it turned out to be bad. I usually just admit that I am wrong and do what I can to do and be a better person. Though this s a special case for me. Adams Mother and his family are the ppl Iwant to tell that I am sorry and that I do apologize.I always aim to do better when it comes down to being a human being , a man, and whatever other titles shall follow. Today I am nearing 10 years of incarceration. There are no fights in my diciplinary jacket. There have been times that it came close though. I have and will still do all that I can to refrain from resorting to physical violence. I live by these words : Men should be able to work through issues and problems. Barbarians and Savages only kow how to fight and kill. I am no savage nor barbarian the intellectual knows how to exlain self and make clear the issue , then solve the problem or at the least calm the situation.Though I may see things this way the state sees me other wise. May be due only to hue since my victim is white.I heard they wanted to charge me with a hate crime, they said I hit him with something, made it look to the public like we hunted hm down. If anyone in the area was paying any real attention to the world around them they would have seen that we passed Adam up multiple times before we ever stopped once we even greeted him. Why wouldn’t we just have done it then. I had a gun as well. If I really wanted to hurt him I would have shot him right. Never crossed my mind. Often times I think about Victim Awareness and how good it would be to be able to tell hm mother face to face how I feel about that unfathomable day. I always think iam ready to do it but truth is I know I won’t beale to finish without breaking down. Other states have these type of programs but we don’t, Why? I need to find a way for myself and ppl like me who need these outlets to if for no othe rreason to have and avenue to express to the ppl we hurt how we now feel. Some of us may be innocent and a large number not so. Then there are those who are in the middle because they did comit a crime but not really trying to do so .What about us? What about our familes? Our children who have to grow up with out us to help mould them into proper ppl.Most of what do is for others I need no recognition if I knwo othe rppl are happy and prosper from what I do. So I help in any way that I can usually at cost to only me. No one sees it anyhow but it won’t ever stop me from doing that. I now live in a dark place where am steryotyped to be a murderer, rapist and a theif, as well as a homosexual. I am treated like some career criminal and none of it is true. You could call me a murderer because someone died because of my quick judgement but is that wha I really am if I didn’t mean to commit such an act? Dose that define me ! Should that define me as a person!? Sometimes I wish ppl could walk a day in my shoes and see what it is to be me, the real me. I live in Americas prisons now. A country borne on Christian standards, yet it adheres to them not. When matters of court are about GOD is only by way for which we swear but the morals are of no acceptance. I live where fair is unfair and color and money matters more than anything. I am also a victim. I am Thomas Herbert BKA #580116. Cottonport is my temporary home until GOD makes my way. To my family I love you all no matter what we are going through. it’s hard from day to day but some how I manage. One day I hope to make it home and that is what keeps me strong, to see you all again – smiling because I am freed and once again there for you. I am The Phoenix

Thomas Herbert
DOC #580116

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