Yesterday I was able to watch a clip of Denzel Washington’s greatest motivational speech ever “Fall Forward”. I’ve seen it a couple of times since being incarcerated in the public speaking group Toastmasters that many of the prisons here in Ohio offer. Its such a powerful and inspiring speech. It opened my mind to try to be able to look at my mistakes or failures in a different light. My past has made life difficult. It make me realize that even though this time that I had to spend in prison is just another blessing from Allah! It has inspired me to not put myself down anymore about my crime. I’ve accepted responsibility a long long time ago but I always beat myself up about it as well. I punished myself with the thoughts I had. The thoughts of society rejecting me when I get released. Thoughts of my kids hating me and never forgiving me. Thoughts of never falling in love with a beautiful woman again and getting married and having little babies. Thoughts of being so messed up in my head about prison and my past that forming healthy relationships will be impossible. These thoughts and many more suffocate me each and everyday all day. I have to be honest and maybe these are steps one needs to take to get help or begin to heal. So… sometimes I get so depressed in here.. like I wish I didn’t wake up some mornings. I feel hopeless and alone alot. I think about life now and right now life sucks. I have no relationship with my family, or my kids, or their mothers, and I have no friends at all. Like I have no one to turn to for help or for a shoulder or just to talk to or for any kind of support whatsoever. Idk what I’m going to do when the courts ask is there any one who will help you when its time to get out. It so heartbreaking just knowing that when I pick up the phone to make a call to my children or my mother or father or granny or aunt or brother or sister that the phone will just ring or it will be ignored or answered and not accepted. I don’t know how to take that. What does that mean?? Why is things this way?? When I make my 5 daily prayers (salat) I ask Allah for understanding and I pray for my kids and their mothers and my mother and father and family and I ask for help in repairing my relationships. Right now nothing is getting repaired and I’m only focused on my kids now at this point. The pain I have each day is so unbearable that it drains all the energy I have. I can’t begin to imagine how my kids must really feel inside. I send them so many letters and emails and I get nothing back but I continue to reach out because one day they will understand just his much I love them. They getting older now ..13, 9, 9… girl, girl, boy… my world my everything my loves!! It just hurts to know that its possible that I’ve been forgotten or I’m “out of sight out of mind” or just plain ignored. It makes me feel I have no purpose. I feel no one loves me or thinks about me or cares about me. I’m just one person in this big world full of billions of people going though life alone one day at a time. It makes me feel like there’s no point in going on. I can’t breath sometimes, I know there’s good in the world because of my kids but right now I’m getting nothing but hate and bad. Life goes on though and my life has to go on as well. I just don’t know where or how to “Fall Forward” at this point. I need better, I need happiness, I need love, I need peace, I need goodness, I need beauty, I need help!! Falling forward isn’t easy! Ive failed before and I have to “keep on pushing” as my last grandfather would say!! I just wish I had someone pushing with me from time to time. Life inside gets hard as well its just so much going on. Laying down at night with these pains and stomach touching my back and stress and worries about so much staring at these four walls is difficult. I have faith life will get better and the things I dream and wish and pray for will come true, inshaAllah (God Willing). Thank you world for letting me vent a little!!
Mr. Da’Von Joshua Motley Sr. (RaQeeb)
Allen Correctional Institution
P.O. Box 4501
Lima, OH 45802
Categories: Da'Von Motley Sr.