I’m going to change up from my usual ranting tonight, I suppose you could say I’m in my feelings and I’m ok with that! I’m a firm believer in working through one’s feelings, and not forcing them down and bottling them up, it took me years to learn that’s best. I believe in addressing our feelings, especially if someone’s doing large amounts of time in prison. I’m sad today because I really miss my little boy, and there’s been allot going on lately concerning him and his mom. His mom’s back to using drugs and It’s hurting me to half to sit by and watch him possibly loose his mom again to addiction and not be able to do anything. I understand one doesn’t stop being an addict over night, and any addict is bound to relapse at least once, that’s just being realistic! I was so sure that she’d make the right decisions for our son though! And for a year she did amazing she had a great job, was paying her fines, I was so proud and repeatedly made it a point to tell her so, thinking it would boost her confidence and help her emotionally. But she has messed things up bad and I don’t know how long she can keep going like is and stay out of jail. As of now she’s quit her job, hasn’t been living with her grandmother, as ordered to by her P.O. is spending less and less time with our son since her grandmother kicked her out and wouldn’t let her take him with her (thankfully). I’m sure you ask yourself how I could know she’s getting high? I understand I shouldn’t judge without proof! Her grandmother caught her in her house doing drugs and kicked her out, my mother spoke with her grandmother and relayed the news to me. Let me devieate a moment, trust me it’s relevant. I’ve never had a strong relationship with God and like most people who get locked up, I tried to force myself to find God in the beginning. To no avail! As time went on I started stepping away from going to Church and having private little conversations with God at night in my cell like he was just a friend I’d known all my life and could confide my deepest secrets to. I found it easier that way so why not? Wasn’t like he’d tell anyone! And I loved this I felt I was building a sort of bond with God also I had so much inside I really needed to get out and confront.
I know a commentary is a two way conversation, but I felt I shouldn’t push God for a sign or some heavenly voice, I would get my answers in a way he saw fit. So I continued our talks and subtly threw my prayers into our chats, I sort of expected answers or results from my prayer, I knew that I was being selfish. But I never expected the opposite I mean man how much worse could things have got? So I’m sad now because I’ve tried so hard and I feel like I’ve let my son down. Yes I’m incarcerated and most anyone reading this is saying what more can I have done behind bars? Your right! but I can’t turn my feelings off, not that I wouldn’t like to for a while now and then feelings suck at times, at present though I feel horrible. I should have made better choices in the beginning, chosen not to use drugs for starters! I recognize and own my punishment for my crimes and actions, don’t think I don’t. But I’m also aware that this drug epidemic sweeping our nation is tragic, leaving so many children with broken homes or no home’s at all. Some children have parents that go to jail such as my son did, others suffer through with their parents dragging them along for the insane ride. I can’t tell you how sorry I am for those poor children who suffer through watching their parents whither away and do unspeakable things for drugs. I know they don’t understand it at all, their the greatest victims in it all of this, yet what they see they retain thinking that’s a part of normal life for kids and that breaks my heart. I hate myself for being a contributor to this epidemic and constantly remind myself what my little boy has gone through because of mine and his mother’s drug addiction and is going through again because his mom chose to be selfish and walk out of his life for drugs!
You know what i find ironic about everything though? I was always saying in my teens that having a kid would fix me and set me straight. All my life I was in and out of juvenile hall, D.Y.S., all kinds of bad places for out of control kids. I wrote it off as me rebelling against my alcoholic father and my mom who was financially stuck to him, I know now it wasn’t her fault. Yet I wanted a child to prove I could do better than my parents with me like a second chance at a happy family. I told myself I wouldn’t go to prison because I never planned on being a bad adult! Boy was I wrong, no one can just turn bad behavior off, it’s something learned and applied, you half to change your whole way of thinking, you can’t just will yourself to stop. I sure thought I could though that’s how messed up I was I thought I was untouchable! Anyway I’m getting off topic, I’m just in my feelings, with his mom messing up I’m afraid he’ll start developing separation anxiety if she goes back to prison, or worse begin acting out. I’m also afraid he’ll become like me following in my footsteps getting into trouble and wind up in my exact position, his grandparents can’t deal with that their older and it’s already hard! Anyway I’m sad and thinking of my son so much lately I’m putting myself into a depression. Hopefully one day my son can read these and see I truly cared about him, but one mistake cost me a lifetime and I never stopped to think of the people my choices would effect. I only thought of myself! And it was to late to live life right by the time I figured out that he mattered most to me, I had already done something horrible as an adult I couldn’t come back from! I’m truly sorry and I hope I can build some semblance of a true father son relationship over the tough years ahead.