Ok so me and my five year old son had to have a conversation a few days ago about why mommy and daddy chose to use drugs, even if drugs we’re bad and would get mommy and daddy in trouble. I can honestly say it was one of the hardest topics I’ve ever had to discuss in my life, not just because I was talking to my son. But largely in part because I had no clue how I was going to tell my son that at one point in my life I chose drugs over him and everyone and everything else in my life at that time. Until that talk with him I’d never even thought about my mindset during those darkest of times. But knowing my son is only five I had to stop myself from going farther into those darker answers and give him a much simpler explanation, one that could be more easily absorbed by a child. So I told him the truth as simply as I could, that daddy was hanging around with people who we’re bad influences and instead of making good decisions and not hanging out with them, I chose to believe I was cool and started using drugs, stealing, running away from home! Even though my mom told me I was wrong for what I was doing and tried, time and time again to get me help and do everything she could to show me I was making bad choices. I chose to ignore her and not care about anyone else but myself.
I explained to him how his grandma was right the whole time and that I should have listened to her, that maybe I wouldn’t be in jail right now if I had listend to her. And that it’s very important for him to listen to his family because it’s family who will always give you the most honesty no matter how much it may hurt or how ugly that truth may be, that family is who he can go to for anything! I knew he couldn’t comprehend everything I talked about, especially the way I’d intended it to be understood, and I knew I’d half to have this talk a few more times in his life, explaining more and more details as he grows. Know this though he may only be five now but he is very, very smart he listened to everything I said without interrupting me at all and when I was finnished I asked him if he understood or if he had any questions and he told me he understood. Then he said he loved me and was going to get ready to go play in the snow.
He keeps surprising me whenever I speak to him, witch isn’t allot since he doesn’t like using the phone for anything but watching YouTube, kids and technology now day’s kill me. He seems to up his vocabulary every time we talk he learns things with such amazing speed. But our conversation was extremely hard for me because it made me look at certain memory’s of my life during my drug use that I’d knowingly tried to suppress and burry inside because even as I was doing them a part of me new I was seriously messed up, that I’d hit bottom and I was going down with the ship. But I realize now if I’m going to be a better more productive citizen or whatever they want me to be upon release, I need to confront these demons now. If I just push all this down inside I’m not healing I’m just creating more scar tissue and baggage that will affect me later like when I’m released and need to be 100% at my best. I’ve come to terms with the fact that at one point in my life my priorities wer so messed up I chose drugs over my son, that my own way of life had deteriorated so dramatically I was playing games of chance on a daily basis with my own life committing burglaries risking being killed. I’m not saying I’m over these facts, not at all that will take allot of work and time. I can say though I realize where I went wrong and I’m going to strive to better myself while incarcerated, and build on my existing relationship with my extremely intelligent and amazing son! All this because my five year old had one very smart question!