Depraved (Part 5), by Caroline Peoples

As I write his it is crazy how I do not remember getting anything for my birthday from age 12 through 25. I can’t say it’s because the people I was around didn’t want to celebrate it. It’s probably because who celebrates a life of pain? No one gets shot and throws a party. I reflect now on my journey through the level of hell closest to earth and I wonder if this was my destiny. Was I created to endure and why have I always had a thorn in my flesh. Okay reflection over. I turned 16 and for whatever reason I am on my moms block smoking weed with an acquaintance whose mother lives 2 doors down from my mom. We are getting wasted and I’m trying to figure out what I need to do. She was good to me because if it wasn’t for her I probably would have gone days without eating. I ha become a ghost with no earthly family or friends so bitterness was coursing through my veins. I spent a lot of time with men because even If they weren’t having sex with you they will let you sleep in their beds. In the inner city where you have kids who have been thrown away or those who left home to escape abuse or neglect anger is often the only thing keeping them going. Some people feel that people choose their paths in life. That is true but if in every direction lies failure, defeat, poverty, abuse, terror, and death then no matter what path you choose you will in up in a bad place. So you choose the road that you feel will cause you the least amount of pain with the most benefit and you don’t have the luxury of caring about how your decisions will effect someone else. If no one has ever cared for you then where do you even get the idea to care about someone else? So many studies are done about prisons and violence. Statistics are collected yet never applied towards a solution. You know what you have yet no one really deals with it. I was a 13 year old baby in the streets of Chicago and you would be surprised by all the adults who I encountered out there who knew that I was out there but I was not their problem. I was no ones problem. I would soon become everybody’s problem. I have done so many things wrong but the few things that I did right I did on my own and no one taught me the good things. I had to have them in me the entire time. When innocence is lost guilt replaces it. With guilt comes shame, hurt, and anger. Since that anger fuels you you embrace it and it builds up until it explodes. I exploded all over the south side of Chicago, Illinois. I have survived rapes, beatings, stabbings, gun shots, and abuse of every kind. That is no excuse for the things that I have done but it gives you the background. When you have no self worth everything that you do is worth it. So I spent my time drinking, smoking weed, and going in circles. I was always looking for love from men. I wanted a family because I never had one.Yes America millions of children live in homes with siblings, mothers, and fathers and are without family. I was often quiet in the streets. When you are quiet you seem older and smarter. Time moves fast when you are going 100 miles an hour on a dead end street. None of the people that I was around were going through what I was going through so I had no place. That emptiness is like a cancer that triggers other problems. Let’s go back for a minute.

To be continued….

Caroline Peoples
DOC #163969