I figure to get you to even be interested In what I have to say I must first convince you that I am worth listening to. To do this I now open up to show you who I was, how I ended up here, and who I am now. It’s a rough journey but I will not sugarcoat It to make it easier to swallow. I give it to you straight no ice no chaser. The language starts off a little rough but with age comes wisdom and I’d like to think that I am more polished now. I assure you that my mind and mouth are no longer filthy. See one thing I’ve learned in his life is that so many people will point out your mistakes or call out your flaws and since I’ m not one to do things that are already done I don’t need to put myself down or beat myself up about what I did wrong. Trust me when I say that is going to get completed everyday for the rest of my life so I use all my free time building myself up to patch those old wounds and allow God to heal things. I can’ t keep pulling scabs off of old wounds. The life I used to live gave me courage, strength, agility, focus, craftiness, endurance, and so much more. The streets of Chicago had no idea it was preparing me for this work of telling people how good God is. By living my life in such a way that now people can see a miracle with their own eyes. To bring me from how I used to be to who I am now. Still flawed, still raw, still real yet I have purpose so now I can be me, the real me who God intended me to be. When you reach rock bottom as they say you can only move in an upward motion. As you pull and climb you get stronger, your confidence starts to soar and you feel so good. You realize that no one can give you that. Only God can fill you, complete you, make you feel whole.
I guess I’m reaching into myself right now. It’s what you do when there is no one to reach out to. You pour out just to keep from dying of being too filled up. Like old wine skin full of new wine. I’ve got so much pressure built up that smoke seems to keep a fever in my mind. Like watching the clock as it ticks by knowing that you have nowhere to go, no time to get there, and no transportation to get to where you are. Alone in the middle.of nowhere. Numb fighting to hold back the tears from pain you no longer feel. Is it possible to sleepwalk or talk without moving your lips ? I feel my mind collapsing as I fight for this life that I’m sentenced to. I feel gravity pulling me down and heaven reaches it’s arms to me so I’m expectant like a child waiting to be picked up and comforted but as long as I am here my soul cries out in silence. My soul screams like the t.v. all the way turned up which the volume muted and no one realizes how hard it has become for me to keep it together. My breaking point was 13,000 miles back and since then I’ve been on pause holding these shattered fragments suspended in mid air. My poor vision sees too much and my cold heart feels the heat of injustice. I am no machine, I feel!!! I am not who I was. I am not who I will be. I am not who and what I am. I want everything and have nothing. I deserve nothing. If I deserve nothing then where does the feeling come from that I never received what I deserve? No pity party because a party would be some sort of celebration. This is more of a therapy session with that bitch fate who is always early and loves to deliver bad news. There is significance to this story. The way it begins and how the director found the perfect actress to play me in his motion picture about a black nightmare. The end has already begun…………
Til’ next time be blessed.
Categories: Caroline Peoples