Fayvun Manning

I Wont To Heal, I Need To Heal, by Fayvun Manning-Bey (aka ffmbeae)

In Order For Me To Begin The Healing Process That I Most Desperately Need, I Have To First Start Off By Being Trueful With MySelf, Then I Will Have The Power And Strength To Be Trueful With YOU.
I Have Been Living With Emotional Pain And Suffering For along Time, Since I Was Around 12 of 13 Years Old And I Have Not Had The Strength To Heal And Express My True Feelings Surrounding My Abuse.
It Has Been A Hard And Very Long Journery That Took Many Of Classes For Me To Build Up The Strength To Overcome My Fears Of What My Friends And The Public Would Think And Say AboutMe Revealing My Inner Most Vulunerable Secret That I Had Hidden Away For So Long.
I Did Not Have The Will Power Or Strength To Forgive MySelf For Being So Vulunerable And Weak At The Time Of My Abuse Because We All Know That The So Called Man/Male Is The Oppisite Of Weak, Fraility, Inconstantcy, Instibility Etc…. Only Now Do I Understand That, Man Does Not Have A Weakness Is Man’s Greatest Weakness In Its Self.
I Was Sexually Abused By A Man/Male That Was Over The Age Of 21 Years Old When I Was 12 or 13 MySelf, Along With My Little Cousin Who Was Around About The Same Age. I Was Forced To Perform Oral Acts On Him. He Had A Brother That Was Along With Him At The Time This Was Going On. The Man/Male Ejaculated Into My Mouth And Was Laughing At The Sametime He Was Doing It.
The Experance Made Me Feel Small, Ashamed, Without The Rights And Without Any Protection, Lonely And Sad And At Times, I Still Feel The Same Way Now, As I Did Then.
I Believe We Went Home And Told Our Parents Who At The Time Was Drug Addicts And We Went To The Authorites And He Was Charged.
He Only Was Charged With One Count Of Abuse Against My Cousin, He Took A Plea Deal That Allowed Him To Dismiss My Count Against Him, My Abuse Did Not Matter, It Did Not Exist! I Again Was Left With The Feeling Of Lonelyiness, Sorrow And Without Any Protection and I Think That Was The Moment That I Gave Up On Life.
I Dont Wont To Be A Prisoner Anymore Of This Emotional Thought Anymore, The Feeling Of Being Brushed Off Someones Shoulder Like A Leaf, Left Me Feeling Below A worm.
I Honestly Cant Remember Much After That, I Dont Even Remember My Abusers Name Or Face, He Could Be Standing Right In Front Of Me And I Would’nt Even Reconize Him Because I Blocked It Out. How Can I Fully Overcome Something That I Cant Unblock?
This Is Something That I Wont To Talk About But Did Not Know How Because I Was Affaird Of What Others Would Think About Me, I Still Feel Vuluerable And Need Help Overcomming This Emotion. I Posted This On This Site Because I Dont Have The Control Or Power To Take It Down, Now My Little Secret Is Out And Anybody Who Is Anybody Can Review It.
I Hope No One Think’s Less Of Me For Telling My Story And If You Do, You Just Havent Been Able To Come In Tune With “YOURSELF.” I Hope That I Can Help Someone Out There As I Am Here. One Thing That I can Say, I Dont Feel That Much Ashame Anymore. Peace And Love To Those Who Have Ears To Hear, Eyes To See And A Heart With The Power To Save.

Brother Fayvun Manning-Bey #68174
El Dorado Correctional Facility
P.O. Box 311
El Dorado, Kansas 67042

Categories: Fayvun Manning

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