WHAT GIVES??? by Timothy Van Gundy ll

I really don’t know where to start, I guess this is as good as a place as any… Have you ever heard the expression, it could always be worse? Well, can’t there be a flip side to that, can’t it always be better too? Look, I know I put myself in prison I have never made any excuses for what I have done. However all the crimes I have ever committed were to support not only me but my family too. So it hurts when I call home to talk to people that I’ve sacerficed my life for and they barely answer the phone. When they DO answer, they always tell me how much they miss me and blah, blah. I inform them how I’m fighting my case and ask them to get some court documents that could help me get released much sooner and you would think I asked for their first born or something, what gives!?! I have EVEN tried to send them money off my books so it doesn’t cost them nothing more than an hour of their time! These are the same people that want me home so bad??? I watch these other inmates call home for money for drugs and their families can’t wait to do whatever for these inmates and I CAN’T get court documents to help me get out even when I try to bribe them with money, what gives??? I THOUGHT I knew how Karma worked, you reap what you sow? I just can’t fathom why guys who were running the streets stealing and lying to their families to get high, have such a great support system and I can’t get any help from people I have a always held near and dear to me and would have died for. Thank God I didn’t die for them, would they would have shown up to the funeral? I’m at a point in my life where I want to turn it all around, I want to do better, I want to be the greatest comeback story that was ever told but ever time I do something happens leaving me thinking “why do I even try?” How many times can you kick a golden retriever before he turns into Cujo?

I know there are those “Nancy Grace, everything is black and white, right is right and wrong is wrong type of people” out there reading this saying “good, your a criminal and you deserve to be punished for your all the wrong you’ve done.” I ask “THEM” if your a 14 year old boy, your mom’s passed out drunk and daddy’s out on another crack binge and you and your 3 sisters are hungry and have no food to eat what would you do??? Do you sell drugs and steal to put food on the table even when you know those things are wrong or do you let your family go hungry? Those are the types of tough choices I have had to make all my life. I chose to step up and be a man, I did the best I could. I did that until 16 when I split for good, I got my own place with my future baby’s mom. We scraped by barely…When one day I got fed up and took to selling drugs like a career. Becoming a ” big drug dealer” is like getting drafted to the N.B.A. for guys like me and besides I finally found a way to provide for my family and I was good at it! Yeah it was wrong but that “drug money” helped send my younger and very successful sister to college. That “drug money” provided a home for me, my daughter and my baby’s mom plus all my siblings at one time or another. Of course I eventually got caught and went to federal prison. My baby’s mom ran off with everything and told the world how I was such a bad person, amongst other things. Damn, if I was such a bad guy then why did she stay around up until I got locked up? Oh I get it, I must of kidnapped her and MADE her live a life of luxury, drive brand new cars and shopping sprees. She had Stockholm syndrome, right? Thank God for those federal agents rescuing her! The funny thing is, I remember nights she helped me count large stacks of cash and helped me break down large quantities of drugs but she paints a much different picture, she talks bad about me to my daughter and won’t even let me see or talk to my daughter! What gives? I would be wrong and one sided if I pointed out just her flaws so yes I admit I had a problem with infidelity but I always provided for my family and for Christ’s sake we were KIDS playing house, we had no business trying to start a family then! I grew up without my dad around so I tried to stick it out with a woman that drove me crazy just to give my daughter a better childhood than I had. Selling drugs destroys peoples lives, I never want to glorify that life.I know I’m no hero, however I’m no monster either. I pray daily, I ask God for forgiveness and I pray for everyone one that has ever hurt me. Look Nancy Grace a criminal with a conscience, what gives? I don’t really know where I’m going with all this, maybe I’m just ranting, but recently out of nowhere my ex wife messages me and tells me sorry for bailing on me and how much she still loves me and how no man has ever loved her the way I did. Its been over 4 years since we last spoke, so you can understand my apprehension. I wonder is this a cruel joke to make me relive old pains from the past, I mean why now? What gives? I might have cut corners when it came to making money or was cheat to all previous girlfriends but when it came to my wife, I made it my mission to treat her like a princess from sun up to sun down. Other than hustling drugs, being a husband was the ONLY thing I was ever good at. When she left she took a large part of me and left me wondering “why did I ever try?” Seriously, what gives? I know everyone has trials in life, we all have a cross to bear, but why is mine so big? Why do I love so hard and hate even harder? Why do I give and give and get nothing in return? Why does no good deed go unpunished? Why can’t I just lay down and die? Am I just TOO stupid to give up? WHAT GIVES? WHAT GIVES???

I don’t know what I’m trying to convey or what message its suppose to send, I just hope you can take something positive away from it. Thank you for reading!
Contact info: Timothy Van Gundyll #721-720 @Jpay.com or

Timothy Van Gundyll #721-720
P. O Box 56
Lebanon, Ohio 45036