“Just Venting”
I’ve been incarcerated for a little over 11 years now.. as I continue to serve time I can honestly say I never accepted this place..I never fully stop being in society.. I maintained a steady connection to the outside world via telephone and emails..the thing is..I think that was a mistake.. I say that because by me doing that I haven’t really committed myself to doing this time 100%..and I think that’s why I stress more…I stress because I believe the loyalty that I showed to the ones I called family should’ve been reciprocated…yet it really wasn’t.. to the degree that I felt mirrored my loyalty..I allow things that I can’t control get to me emotionally.. I can admit that i truly don’t have any friends at this moment…I really don’t even have any family members that I can say are in my corner 100%… which is sad because like I stated earlier I’m a loyalist.. loyal to a fault..especially when it comes to family.. don’t misunderstand me when I say that.. when I say too a fault I’m saying that because if I was to walk out this door right now all the ones who didn’t keep it 100 with me I’d probably forgive them sooner than later because of how I am…loyal,real, a guy who keeps it 100 despite what others do…loyal to a fault… but the truth of the matter is..I’m not about to walk out these doors right now.. and by the time I do..I most likely won’t forget or forgive some of those people i called family..because as I look back on my past I really risked my life for some of those individuals when they needed..and to be incarcerated for this long to not receive that love or loyalty back is a dagger in my spine..and I feel it something awful.. something else about this place when it comes to family is tryna parent from here…I was once told its one of the hardest things to do while incarcerated…well being me and the relationship that I assumed me and my daughters had I was like naw…but I’ve truly was tested…in my life and experiences I always thought it was the teenage era were kids rebelled and showed less respect to there parents..boy was I wrong…when my daughters turned 20 & 18..a lot of “them” came out…I say “them” because my youngest told me on the phone that I don’t know them and they really don’t know me…at first I was pissed off because how can she say that to me when I made sure we stayed in contact though phone calls and visits my entire bid..i also showed them how much I loved them when they were 10 & 7 just the same then as now..my love and loyalty never wavered against them..i always gave them the pros and cons about everything life offered.. never sugar coated nothing..but given them complete honest about situations that they were going through…i always gave them the right advice..the best advice..from my experience..yet sometimes we can’t even have a simple conversation because they have smart mouths and stubborn attitudes…its sad because alot of the times they snap over simple miniscule things.. (like mother like daughters).. yet I let it go..until now..because when it gets to the point that I have to tell you that you’re allowing your bad attitude to dictate your personality and its affecting our relationship and you dont care shows me alot..and you don’t wanna talk to me to fix it,instead you continue to defend the incorrect way that you’re carry yourself..that shows me that the statement my daughter said to me was true..loyal to a fault..I’ll always be for my daughters regardless..never will I go against them… but when they go against me in the position that I’m in after knowing what I’ve been thru with certain family members shows me that I have alot to learn about them when i go home…but the thing about that situation after being locked up for so long.. do i even wanna go through that process of not being apart of my daughters lives..well I’ll never be apart from them again but do I wanna go home and have to deal with stubborn attitudes that I know from experience aren’t going to change..I’m not so sure..only time will tell..I have no idea what the future holds.. but I do know that when i go home I’m gonna have a less stressed life as possible.. and no one is gonna bring me down after doing all this time.. mama.. sister..brothers..daughters..lady friend..no one..I’m too much of a good hearted guy to go through that.. and I won’t.. Fact!! Just Venting!!!

Timothy Kearney
DOC #1174098