At this point in my life i’m at a stalemate concerning some things in my life. My mother for one, i’m almost 40 & I still try to develop a bond with her. My Father said something that made sense though. He said, “Your mother feels a ton of guilt from things that happened when i was too young to remember”. I won’t disclose, but it’s something that got him taken from me for 25 years. I really don’t like to live with regret, but damn, how can you really part time with your 1st born? Since 1995 i’ve been trying to do something i never felt i was good enough to do, be a son to her. On the other hand, this is exactly the reason why i could never fully grasp any relationship i’ve had, because i never felt it was genuine.
Speaking of, the mother of my children is pregnant again. Don’t get me wrong, i’m happy for her. On the other hand though, i know she needs it deeply. Losing her 2nd child, the 1st from a stillborn birth, the 2nd child, I was blamed for & have been here pushing 8 years. Either way it goes, i have support & stability that i should’ve got from her. Healing will never come, moving on is more aggressively imminent. Not saying i don’t love her still, cause i’d be lying if i said i didn’t. My oldest daughter doesn’t talk to me for reasons unknown, but i can only hope she’ll come around to miss her daddy. She’s grown, & i don’t like to seem callous, but i won’t stress myself about another “grown up”, i
have to preserve my mental health.
Valerie is a jewel though, real shit. She came in & proved that no one else really matters & it’s their loss if they’re no around once these gates open. She has shown me things no other woman has, & we’ve never been intimate ever. Unconditional love… The 2 words i’ve always searched for up until now. The only other places i’ve felt this is from my father, his wife, valerie, my g-ma Hattie lynn Watson, Ryanne Lynn, Christina, & Cierra my oldest daughter. These are the ones going out for me, so they should expect nothing less. My mother’s of the family can eat a dick though, real rap. I know, family this & that, yada ya, but i wish you all could see it 1st hand. At the end of the day, my life is special & I wouldn’t change any element of it, even from prison. I love myself, finally, & had to die from a stroke & come back to realize life is too rapid to waste it worrying about bullshit. Cause once you crossover fully, everthing you think matters doesn’t. Everything you though about religion, Heaven & Hell will change.. You will definitely will let less restrict you when it comes to living & enjoying this experience. At the end of the day, nothing you think matters, pay attention to the ones you love. Let your negative emotions go & don’t let it age you to death. Because of where i am, i no longer just exist, i’m alive
Dennis J. Watson
Categories: Dennis Watson