Dennis Watson

Open conversation… Venting #1 By Dennis J. Watson

At this point in my life i’m at a stalemate concerning some things in my life. My mother for one, i’m almost 40 & I still try to develop a bond with her. My Father said something that made sense though. He said, “Your mother feels a ton of guilt from things that happened when i was too young to remember”. I won’t disclose, but it’s something that got him taken from me for 25 years. I really don’t like to live with regret, but damn, how can you really part time with your 1st born? Since 1995 i’ve been trying to do something i never felt i was good enough to do, be a son to her. On the other hand, this is exactly the reason why i could never fully grasp any relationship i’ve had, because i never felt it was genuine.
Speaking of, the mother of my children is pregnant again. Don’t get me wrong, i’m happy for her. On the other hand though, i know she needs it deeply. Losing her 2nd child, the 1st from a stillborn birth, the 2nd child, I was blamed for & have been here pushing 8 years. Either way it goes, i have support & stability that i should’ve got from her. Healing will never come, moving on is more aggressively imminent. Not saying i don’t love her still, cause i’d be lying if i said i didn’t. My oldest daughter doesn’t talk to me for reasons unknown, but i can only hope she’ll come around to miss her daddy. She’s grown, & i don’t like to seem callous, but i won’t stress myself about another “grown up”, i
have to preserve my mental health.
Valerie is a jewel though, real shit. She came in & proved that no one else really matters & it’s their loss if they’re no around once these gates open. She has shown me things no other woman has, & we’ve never been intimate ever. Unconditional love… The 2 words i’ve always searched for up until now. The only other places i’ve felt this is from my father, his wife, valerie, my g-ma Hattie lynn Watson, Ryanne Lynn, Christina, & Cierra my oldest daughter. These are the ones going out for me, so they should expect nothing less. My mother’s of the family can eat a dick though, real rap. I know, family this & that, yada ya, but i wish you all could see it 1st hand. At the end of the day, my life is special & I wouldn’t change any element of it, even from prison. I love myself, finally, & had to die from a stroke & come back to realize life is too rapid to waste it worrying about bullshit. Cause once you crossover fully, everthing you think matters doesn’t. Everything you though about religion, Heaven & Hell will change.. You will definitely will let less restrict you when it comes to living & enjoying this experience. At the end of the day, nothing you think matters, pay attention to the ones you love. Let your negative emotions go & don’t let it age you to death. Because of where i am, i no longer just exist, i’m alive

Dennis J. Watson
DOC #A632-936

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Categories: Dennis Watson

3 replies »

  1. Unconditional love is rare and I’m happy you found it in someone. Not sure why you’re in prison, but mentally you’re not. I feel my freedom has been taken away because my car got taken away from me. I’m in isolation for the most part. Like your blog professes, writing is healing and that’s why I started mine. It’s my social outlet now. We can imprison ourselves with our outlook. Not to say the physical reality of living behind bars is anything but an extreme way of life. I hope the best for you! Keep ya head up! Things will get better….

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dennis, I’m glad you have those that have your back.
    Unfortunately there are those who let their ear be bent and don’t try to see for themselves. Nothing more troublesome than a hostile family – I know from my own experience. Keep strong and remember – as you well know – that situations change. Sometimes for the better.

    Like

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