Johnnie Harris

comedy – by Johnnie Harris

I was having a bad day, cause I told my barber before I got my haircut, I wanted to look just like denzell Washington, I didn’t expect to come out looking like forest whitticker. what made my day was I was listening to the radio and I heard the Ku Klux Klan is opening a branch for black people I was so damn happy I bust a split like James Brown popped back up then hit the moon walk!!! I had a couple minutes to bust some more moves, before they came on the air with what it takes to qualify. by the time I was done, my Jerry curl was sweating. they say you have to be 11% white,willing to do ballet and know 20 country songs! I say wait you mean I got to squeeze my big ass in some pink tights, leaping in the air pretending to catch butterfly’s and shit, my only question is what if I was performing a flying leap and broke out in to a full spin and broke a toe or something, will y’all cover my medical expenses? I know ya’ll wondering who came up with this idea, it was me I been bugging they ass since I was 15 and realized I was meant to be part of the Ku Klux klan, they say you can’t be fully black, so I found out I’m 11% white, 20% black, 69% Chinese for short people call me blackenese. I thank god every night that my great great great grandma was a special slave. I remember when I was younger in juvenile detention when I first got my white sheet, we use to chase the black kids around the unit with ropes, when they would tell the officers, the officers would just tell us to stop playing cowboys:) let me tell y’all about the time I got jumped by two fat ass chiwuawuas. I was coming out of chipotle and accidently bumped into them I tryed to apologize but these little fat mutherfuckas got to talking shit, you know how when you scared, you try to play aggressive but really scared as shit, in my head I’m thinking how I’m about to make my escape route if shit go wrong. so I seen things wasn’t going according to plan, so this was the plan hit the closet one to me, run jump in the car,give them the finger go on with my day. what I didn’t know is these chiwuawuas was a lesbian couple. yes I got my ass kicked by two bitches. I tryed to slap the closet one to me,but I tripped they jumped all over my ass like a spider monkey. I gotta tell y’all about the time I went shopping. so I’m out and about I stopped by save a lot to grab a few items, on the way out I noticed a chubby midget who looked like the actress jack Nicolson, jumping to get a box of raisin bran cereal, I had a few minutes to spare so I figured I’m going to be a good citizen so I thought. as I’m making my way over to him I see him working up a sweat trying to get this box of raisin bran. as I’m approaching him I asked him if he needed a hand cause from the looks of it he had a better chance of marrying Taylor swift than reaching that box of raisin bran. he told me fuck off, I don’t need help from no tall person, I’m like sir I’m just trying to help you, its not like I’m going to put you on Americas funniest videos, he called me an ass hole, now I’m getting mad cause I’m wasting my time having a debate with this funny,potato built,sardine smelling midget. so I tell him well have fun getting your raisin bran for your fat,special ed, girlfriend with one nipple. he chased my black ass all through that store I had to jump on one of the shelves so he couldn’t get me. when I noticed I was safe, I told him ha!!! yo little leg ass can’t get up here! its three things you need to know about me #1 I’m in the Ku Klux Klan, #2 I’m brad Pitts biological son,#3 I have two twin chiwuawuas by the name of Billy Bob.

Johnnie Harris
DOC #664626

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