I always wondered if saying ” I’m Sorry ” really help the people we hurt so greatly. I was convicted of murder and I know that for years I have been screaming that I didn’t do the crime. But I was there and a part of it which I truly regret. Not because I’m locked up, but because a life was lost and no matter what I say or do I can not give that person or their family that life back. Its killing me just knowing that I had the power to stop what happened that took someone child away from them. I guess being stupid really is a crime because I knew what was happening was wrong yet I didn’t do nothing to try and stop it. I wish I could go back to that day and do the right thing. They tell me that all of our lives is written out in the Book Of Life. Everything we do, say, eat, the people that come into our lives and the ones that goes out of them. Even the ones that He put there to hurt and correct our lives because we’re blind to our own actions is all a part of God’s plan for our lives. I just wish that my life path and theirs didn’t have to cross the way that they did in this devastating way because I never meant for nobody to lose there life that night. I’m not God so I had no right to be a part of somebody losing their life. People tell me that if it wasn’t me than it would of been somebody else because once God call for you than that it. Now that may be true and who am I to question God but if God wanted this person to come home to him why did He have to use me? I didn’t know this person but I miss this person so much. I know that may sound funny but its the truth. I am so very sorry for hurting this family the way that I did. I know that all the sorrys in the world won’t bring this person back nor would it take the pain away from the family. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would be in here for taking a life. Two lives was lost that night. Theirs and mines. I pray constantly for the family because I know that I hurt them greatly with my cowardly actions that night or better yet the lack of. How do you get over the hurt that because of me, some bodies child is gone? I wish that I could give my life in place of theirs but I know that I can’t. How can saying ” I’m Sorry ” help that? The worst day of my life was when the person mother got on the stand and I saw with my own eyes how much I hurt her. Just seeing the pain in her eyes and the hurt in her voice hurt me beyond hurt because I know that I caused that hurt that I see and hear in her voice plus what I done to the rest of her family. How can ” I’m Sorry ” help that? I hurt so many people with this one action. The victim and the person family, my family, my kids, and my community. Is saying that “I’m Sorry ” going to help all these people? If so, then I’m going to be saying those two words until the day I die. I pray that this person family can find it in their heart to forgive me for my actions. I pray that my kids and family will find it in their hearts to forgive me putting myself in this situation to be taken away from them. And I’m praying that the community that I love so much can forgive me for all the wrong and hurt that I caused the people that makes it such a great community. Because the last thing I want is people to be scared of me because I am not a bad person. I’m just one that made a critical mistake. Saying ” I’m Sorry ” means nothing if your heart if you don’t mean it from your heart. And asking for forgiveness also mesns forgiving yourself. Thank you for your time.
Christopher Love
DOC #a440-875
I feel your pain, Christopher. We have all made mistakes in life and have had to ask for forgiveness. But one thing we can rest assured of is whether we find ourselves behind the prison walls of our heart or of society, God loves us. Sin is sin in the eyes of God and he does not judge us by the measure of our wrong. He has his arms opened wide to you right now because he gave us Jesus. He loves you Christopher and please let that sink in and forgive yourself. You cannot erase the past. Put your life in the hands of the one who can make all things new. His name is Jesus. He did it for Paul and Moses who were once murderers. Praying for you.