Rodney Fenner

Anger By: Rodney Fenner

Hello world. People say things of this nature all the time, “I got so angry because I love you so much”. I’m not sure at all where this came from, but bravo to the first person who ever said it. It’s ingratiated itself with society somehow and become acceptable. Statements varying in wording, but the same in meaning have become the staple excuse for people with anger issues and people who in general just got angry with a loved one. To me, that statement and all akin to it are bullshit. Anger isn’t a genuine emotion. It’s a facade and a distraction. It hides and distracts from the real underlying emotion, like disappointment, embarrassment, helplessness, humiliation, etc. It’s easier for people to be angry than to admit the underlying emotion and deal with it. Admitting makes them vulnerable and nobody wants to be vulnerable due to pride or other predispositions towards vulnerability that basically say you are weak. Who wants to be seen as weak? So, anger is used as a diversion. Really, anger is emotional violence. It can easily blind and absorb you until it evolves into verbal and/or physical violence. Think about a mother who gets angry with her child. When the child sees the vehement anger on their mother’s face, is it strange for the child to be scared, cry or run away? The child is scared, crying or fleeing because the mother was being emotionally violent and until they’re conditioned otherwise, people are scared and aversive of violence. Really, the mother was feeling hurt, disappointed and inadequate as a parent because her child is acting in a manner she isn’t raising them to act. To avoid admission of this to herself and avoid feeling at fault, anger is easier. Reflexive. It isn’t until she sees the detriment she’s caused her child that the real love kicks in along with the remorse and desire to comfort, however, the damage is already done. A truly caring, nurturing and forgiving love has no room for violence of any kind. Let’s use this example of a man putting his hands on a woman and using some variation of this excuse. This excuse has been so widely used in these particular situations that it’s become believed and accepted as truth with most of the victimized women. Over time, it’s conditioned people to think anger equates to love or anger equates to passion when neither is true. Let’s say the man hit the woman because he suspected she was cheating. Anger was impulsively and reflexively used as a facade and a distraction from the fact that his pride was damaged. He felt disappointed, inadequate and slightly emasculated by the thought of his woman was seeking the arms of another man for whatever reason. Beating her made him feel some semblance of power and control over her again. It made him feel like what he thinks a man is supposed to feel like and she was submitting to him when she was really only in fear of the emotional, verbal and physical violence of his anger. When he later uses the excuse, she rationalizes within herself because she actually loves him and her logic is blinded by her love for him or her lack of love for herself. In some cases though, she’s simply too scared to leave. That’s love? These examples, among others, are easy footholds for anger, but both situations could have been handled without anger. The mother could have just talked to the child, reasoned with them and possibly used some sort of punishment to make the child reflect on the wrongdoing. The man and woman needed only to talk as well and find out the underlying issue that led her to cheat; that’s if she was indeed cheating. As two adults, either some kind of understanding and plan to solve the problem should be reached or a parting of ways is in order to prevent future detriment to either party. I understand that with feelings and some sort of love involved, this can be difficult, but it’s necessary. Nobody can say that because you dealt with it without anger that you didn’t care or didn’t love the child or spouse deeply. That relates to anger that arises in any situation. My point is I can love you or anything immensely and care very greatly without anger. I can be extremely passionate without getting angry. Again, anger is not equivalent to love or passion. When things are equivalent, you can sub one for the other at any time. Pick any set of circumstances where you can visibly tell that someone loves someone else or is passionate about something and sub anger in its place. I assure you it won’t have the same effect. In fact, the whole situation will look different. People are dead, in prison for the rest of their lives or physically, mentally or emotionally scarred because of varying degrees of anger. For me, anger does not equate to love or passion. In fact, it’s the exact opposite. Anger is emotional violence. Love and violence of any kind don’t go hand in hand and aren’t equivocal on any level. Love should be used in the prevention of anger and violence. If I love you the way I say, I can deal with anything involving you without the emotional and possibly physical or verbal violence of anger BECAUSE I love you like that. This applies even to strangers because we should have a personal love for those close to us and a universal love for everything and everyone else around us. This is not to say that people don’t or won’t get angry, but that we need to be training ourselves to be exponentially better at keying in on the real issue more swiftly and dismantling the anger before it surfaces so we can handle the real issue with clarity of mind and absence of any kind of violence. In the end, that’s what people do anyway when the anger has subsided, right? They realize what the real issue was, they apologize out of remorse for their unnecessary anger and whatever sort of violence they’ve inflicted. Then, they deal with the real issue by talking. Why not just subtract the anger in the first place? Like I said, my opinion. I could be wrong. Peace.

Rodney Fenner
DOC #1436377

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