Kalob Gray

The Struggle by: Kalob Gray

I was laying here in this cell thinking about Tracy wondering if I’ll find another woman like her? Everything was so easy with her and I regardless what it was! I never worried about what she was doing when we weren’t together because when we were together everything was good! I don’t know if that makes any sense but it’s how I felt! I can’t believe that she’s gone and I dread the day I visit her grave! I can still remember her laugh, it always felt good to just kick it with her and hear that laugh! I remember this time when she was working at this cricket store and I dropped in to bring her some flowers! She had never had someone bring her flowers just for the hell of it so she was shocked! I still remember going to her cousins house cause I hadn’t seen her in awhile and I just had this feeling something wasn’t right!! As soon as I seen her I knew I was right, she had been in Miami Valley hospital and had a tubal pregnancy! I remember her and I just laying there not talking wondering what could have been! Admittedly we both were screwed up at that time mentally but I still think about alot of the what if’s! I’m not sure how much she told her friends about her & I, but I know that they knew we loved each other! I never cared what people said about her to me & she didn’t care about what others said about me, that’s what was so great! We all have baggage in our lives and when you find someone that doesn’t care about all of that, that’s REAL!! I have this tattoo of a heart, with a knife going through it, her name, birthday, and the day she passed on my leg! It represents how it felt when I found out she had died it was a knife through my heart for sure and its on my leg cause I feel like she’ll always be with me every step I take!! I won’t lie I cried for three days straight thinking about all the times we were together! I hope her son knows the real about his Mom, NOT the mistakes she made, but who she was inside! I know how people love to speak on the bad people done maybe it justifies the shit they’re doing! I hope he hears not about the demons she fought, but rather how beautiful she was, how funny she could be, how she had a way to herself that people just connected with, or how she loved her son & babygirl more than anything in this life!! I spent many a nights letting her talk about her kids and how bad it felt losing her babygirl! She died the same day as her for real, everyday she woke up without her daughter was another day of pain that was unbearable! I never met her prior to that tragedy, but I guess that’s why it was me she opened up to about it! I am the last person that could ever judge another person! She had a hole in her heart that she couldn’t fill! I guess I’m just trying to say Tracy you’re not forgotten! It has been 5 years since she passed and I was glad when I got a jpay from her friend Crystal letting me know that they were reminiscing about Tracy & she wanted to let me know that! I know that I’m by far not the easiest person to be in a relationship with so I’m very thankful for all the ones who’ve loved me over the years! Tracy and I shared a unique relationship together and our friendship was the foundation! I still can’t believe she won’t be there when I get out and that the last time I shared with her was in the visit room of this prison!! I just hope that when I get out I don’t lose sight of what’s important in this life & that’s being the best you can be to those you love! For all my life I’ve lived being selfish in every way! What I learned from Tracy was that just being there for someone else, not judging them, not giving them ultimatum’s, is what a real relationship is about!! I hope that when I leave this place I can leave this miserable attitude it’s given me over the years right here in this shithole!! I know that being institutionalized is a hard mentality to break! I just hope that I can make amends to a few people in my past for the man I was! I plan to focus on being a father and I also hope to repair my relationships with my kids mothers! My ex wife especially just to let her know that everything she done for me wasn’t in vain! I have thought about all my friends and how I never gave enough and that’s NOT who I want to be remembered as! I want my kids mothers all to be happy in this life and I hope to share friendships with each of them!! So with that said, until next time remember to live, love, & laugh with all that you have!! Stay strong in the struggle, LIFE!!

KALOB GRAY
DOC #637-976

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