Okay, don’t fuck my life. Yesterday turned out alright, but I was going through some tough shit. I had that song in my head. It isn’t any song specifically, but every song that brings that emotion. Heck, the song I’m thinking of right now is one that our band is covering (MGMT’s Kids) But all yesterday, and even now, that lump in my throat is evidence of the indescribable feeling. It is a longing for better, for intimacy, for freedom. It is an unquenchable ember. When I was free, I wanted intimacy. When I was intimate, it was with the wrong persons. Now that I’m locked up, I want freedom. But since I’ve matured, I’ve asked myself if freedom or is the answer. A painful truth is this: There is no fixing my longing. Because I don’t even know what I’m longing for. I mean, I long for God. God relieves that ember for awhile. But I don’t invest myself into God long enough to quell the ember. Another truth is that I like my longing. It is real. It causes tears, anger, hope, and defiance. It is the root of my depression, the tool of my creativity. I’ve had it since I was a boy. And now that I am a man, I recognize its hold in my life. Maybe I’m just longing for tomorrow? Maybe the concept of tomorrow and its possibilities are what I’m longing for? Perhaps I’m longing for the end? The end of life, depression, and hate? Maybe the beginning of love? Unquestionable love. Maybe I long for self-control and contenment? I imagine in 10 years when I reread this stuff, I’ll laugh. I imagine my father’s words will cut true: “Son, don’t be so extreme.” I’m still young. My thinking is clouded by worry and near sightedness. Even now, the thought of growing old is funny. Because I pay attention to the elderly around me and I see how much they don’t care. Not every time, but from what I can see, age is the main ingredient for contentment. I’ll look back and think, “What the hell was I “longing” for? Life gives you everything you need with each sunrise. I should’ve longed to work hard, obey authority, and love those nearest to me. I should’ve longed to not be so selfish and give more to those whoe needed it. I should’ve lived more!” That, I’m sure, is what I’ll say to myself. I have all the tools inside me. Laugh more. Enjoy more. Listen more. Read more. Live more!
Go see something live!
Categories: Matthew Epperson