so today is kiros cookie day, also known as the most glorious day in the institutional setting.
ya see, kiros cookie day is the day where the ever loving administration, in all their infinite wisdom, allow a local Christian group (who go by the tag line “kiros”,) to come in and give each inmate a zip lock bag of 24 Cookies.
I mean, this is the sort of thing we inmates LIVE for!
the kiros cookie church people even have this sort of banquet for a select few, inmates where they take them and attempt to proselytize the fuck out of them. and this shit actually works!
they get these poor schmucks so jacked up on refined sugar, fried foods and caffeine, that they actually believe the most unnatural,and impossible thing ever: that a guy came back from the dead. (NOT as zombie who wants your brains) which would be the obvious conclusion. but just as a guy who doesn’t want you asking a lot of rational questions about how god works.
anyway, where Was I…oh, so the day had come that we’ve all been waiting for. and I tell you, I was AMPT! just SO ready to put the hurting on some church Cookies!
we’re talking about being up at 7am, with a hot ass cup of coffee, and a USA today Tucked under my arm, as I figured I would make a morning out of both the cookies and the crossword.
so the moment arrives, and everybodys ushered back Into their cells.
the people come around & throw a couple bags of cookies on the floor just outside all of our cells, and peer in to say “god bless you” before peeling back out.
but when those doors pop back open, it is a fucking cookie BONANZA!
just imagine the stock market trading floor, only with convicts, and the only commodity is cookies!
everyone get what they got. sugar,chocolate chip,peanut butter,oatmeal , and others. all being traded for either a different kind of cookie, or simply sold to the highest bidder.
me? well, I already had a plan.
I chose one of the day room tables to sit at with only one person there.
so let me give you the layout here: me sitting down, to my right my cup of coffee. to my left the crossword that I had taken out, with the rest of the newspaper on the floor beside me. and right smack dab in front of me my cookies. oh, and a crossed from me, this seventy or so year old man.
frail, creepy looking, probably ki!!ed his wife back in 86′ because the toaster oven told him too. you know the type. but the point is, he didn’t look like he was about to do anything weird or bugged out or anything. I mean that’s why I sat there.
when all of a sudden, out of no wear. this old son-of-a-bitch reaches out, grabs the bag of cookies, opens it, takes one out, and EATS it!
I was shocked! there I was, mid sip, trying my hardest to figure out a four letter word for “decorative vase”, when this sick S.O.B. just reaches out and eats one of my cookies!
so what did I do you ask?! well, I’ll tell you what I did! I did what any cookie loving, red-blooded American man would do in this situation, when some creepy, possibly senile 70year old man reaches out & steals one of his cookies: I……ignored it.
I mean COMMON! what was I suppose to do?
in that moment I searched my entire being,& no where in my upbringing, learned behavior or even primal instincts, dictated what I should do in that moment. so I simply, ignored it.
but went on the offensive!
I reached out, ignoring the fact that my bag was already open, and I…I took a cookie. and let me tell you I ATE that mutherfucker! VARY deliberately. on some mouth open, chomping every bit, staring right at him, shit. so there was no question as to what I was going on. I was DOMINATLY eating MY cookies! and he stared right at the table between us, knowing he’d met his match.
so what did HE do? I tell you what he did, he reached out, grabbed the bag, placed it CLOSER to HIM, then took out ANOTHER COOKIE,& ate it!
I swear to fucking god! sure as your reading this blog! sure as the institutional day is longe.
but the problem with having NOT said something the first time, was it was even HARDER for me to broach to topic THIS time around!
I mean how do I even begin?! “uh, excuse me sir, but I think you may have be bitching me out of my cookies.”?
so with anything, I ignored with even MORE fervor the before.
but being sure to stare him down again, I slowly, and calmly, reached out, grabbed the bag of cookies,& slid them over to ME. taking another one out & eating it even MORE blatantly then before. only this time I included cookie eating sound effects, not unlike the cookie monster would make. again, staring him down as crazily as I could muster. letting him KNOW who had the upper hand.
it was then that our eyes finally met for the first time during the whole horrible ordeal. and it was intense!!! especially when he went BACK into the bag, and took another cookie, eating it right in front on ME. staring ME down like some crazy person.
we went through the whole bag like that. him,me,him,me….the WHOLE fucking BAG! both of us just eating cookies while looking all crazy at eachother.
I mean I was obviously dealing with a deranged lunitic!!! a MADMAN EVEN!
keen in his ways of mind fuckery.
and after having done his worst, and the empty bag lay beaten and crumpled before us, he finally got up and left.
I heaved a sight of relief of course!
I mean that guy was OBVIOUSLY a psychopath!!!!! I was lucky to escape with MY LIFE!!!
anyway, having heaved that sigh of relief, I got up to go,& went to pick up the rest of the newspaper off of the ground beside me,& LO & BEHOLD, there were MY bag of cookies!
the table cookies were HIS bag the whole time!
somehow in that whole coffee drinking, crossword doing, getting ready ritual, I must have misplaced MY COOKIES & just assumed the ones on the table were my own!
but the real fucked up part is, this is
LEBANON! the LAST place you want to be on the bad side of some seventy year old lifer with a cookie vendetta!
Categories: Justin Oliver