Justin Oliver

why I keep forgetting to NOT talk to rick, I will never know. by Justin Oliver.

so I was talking to one of my prison buddies, Rick, today. and I happened to mention that my British girlfriend actually lives in the united kingdom. to which he mentioned the possibility of usTrying to create some sort of, import/export business with her when i got out.
just as an attempt to capitalize a little on the current state of political affairs between our countries, given the possible implementation of tariffs between the united kingdom and united States.
(so far so good, at this point, even still, it somewhat resembled a normal conversation. so much so that I almost forgot that I was talking to RICK. someone I have promised myself to never,ever speak to again on many occasions.)

“I mean of course we would have to identify some cheaply made British product that she could secretly ship to me under the noses of whatever American agency is ment to stop that sort of thing , thereby circumnavigating the possible high fees in the form of tariffs.”

to which Rick agreed.

then after a somewhat long pause,indicating that he had thoroughly thought about his next few words, he mentioned the possibility of “British made Seamonkey’s” as a product that may be a good fit.
which at face value, yes, this seemed like the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard Rick say. but not because of why you may think.

“for one, RICK. if history has taught us anything, its that any British ocean dwellers ,is this case “Seamonkey’s”, are a squirrelly bunch. you just can’t trust’em! Rick!
as we all know, the first chance they get, were going to have a SeaMonkey mutiny on our hands! an uprising!! rick! for we all know british crustations are rabble rousers!
sure, they seem nonviolent and domesticated in their weird little sea monkey aquariums.but that’s before they begin calmly swimming over to another part of their SeaMonkey enclosure, under the guise of expanding the SeaMonkey queens Queen-Dom. only to then break away from under their Majesty’s rule, and start their own SeaMonkey colony in an anger fuled fit, pissed off at the queens audacious plan of taxation without representation.”
(is any of this sounding familiar? rick?)
“developing and then adopting some hastily written bill of inalienable SeaMonkey rights that states all SeaMonkeys are created equal, thus thumbing their little noses at the notion of their former SeaMonkey queens right to rule.”
(by this time I’m practically yelling at rick.)
“soon after, implementing some grand Democratic SeaMonkey experiment by adopting Democratic principles based on a system of governmence first Introduced by their Greek SeaMonkey forebears of old.only to then have that great SeaMonkey experiment basically trashed 250 years later (which is only like 3 days In SeaMonkey time) by a wave of right wing, conservitive SeaMonkey populism, whereby the uneducated masses of the SeaMonkey populace democratically elect a vary unfit, reality T.V. SeaMonkey star to the highest elected position in the SeaMonkey land.
who In turn implements an unprecedented foreign/domestic policy against one of their greatest allies, including a high tariff on Seamonkey goods and imports from their former SeaMonkey homeland.”
(none of this is sounding familiar at all? huh, rick?)
“yeah rick, I’ve seen it a million times!
it just won’t work. British born crustaceans will always throw off the yolk of their masters!
but that’s not why I think your idea is stupid,rick.
why i think its stupid is because SeaMonkeys are an American made product, (you dumb-ass!) EVERY BODY KNOWS THAT, RICK!”
“there’s no such thing as British made SeaMonkey!!!!! rick!!!!!”
“so let me get this straight, RICK! just so I completely understand you.
your idea is for me and my british girlfriend to sell British bought- american made crustaceans BACK TO Americans, thus fulfilling all their unwitting crustacean needs?!
to which rick responded: ” yeah man, door to door.”
on second thought, when put like that, it actually sounds FOOLPROOF!
RICK, you’re a fucking genius!
champion of fucking industry you are!!!
why the hell are you in prison with downright brilliant ideas such as these!?
you should be fucking pardoned, rick!
by the fucking governor, NO! by the motherfucking PRESIDENT!
how is society getting along WITHOUT you?!
that’s the real question!
please, marry my daughter!
as you will obviously be able to give her the kind of life she deserves.”

(I would like to dedicate this blog post to my most hated prison friend, rick. who reminds me at least once a week why I shouldn’t make friends, or even talk to, (for that matter), compete strangers who just happen to be sitting at the same table in the day room as I.)
here’s to you rick!
you dick head!

Justin Oliver
DOC #610338

Categories: Justin Oliver

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