Nicole Bradley

Up Late Crying by Nicole Bradley

I can’t sleep. I’ve been up all night crying. My ears are plugged and my nose is clogged. I was doing my Denial Management homework. One of the instructors said I don’t talk enough in class and she realizes I’m an introvert. She said she wanted more detail on my homework. So, I didn’t water the garden tonight to spend time on my homework. I had to answer so many questions about Denial Patterns I use. And I had to answer questions about my feelings. It got me thinking of a whole range of stuff. It got me thinking of things that I didn’t realize. Like how I used to blame others for my behavior, or how I avoids things, etc… I wanted to show my instructor that I’m serious in participating and learning. I have been in my room all evening to myself just working on these Denial Management worksheets. Even though it’s late, I wanted to make sure it’s all completed so I can give my work to the instructor in the morning. It was getting too late, so once I finished I turned off the lights and got in bed. I have relaxing music playing. But, my thoughts kept going back to the past and my behavior. I started thinking of all the mistake I’ve made, pain I’ve caused, my faults, and my tears started to flow. I wish I wasn’t a rebellious child when I was younger. I wish I appreciated my family more. I wish I didn’t make such bad choices. I wish I never committed a crime and there’s so much more I wish. I know in my heart I’m not that same person as I was back then. I have my board hearing coming up, and I’m so scared. I’m thinking of my mom worrying about having to pay my attorney to represent me, and I just feel so bad for the burdens I put on everyone. I want so much to be home with my loved ones. I’m so scared. I’m so tired of crying and hurting and always fearing about being given up on. I appreciate everyone in my life. And I know I’m not perfect. I know that I will always have things I need to deal with in life. But, I am truly trying my best to be a better person every day. If I only had a second chance, I wouldn’t waste it. I’d do good. I’m tired of seeing others returning to prison over and over. I want that chance to be free, and for the parole board to believe in me and have faith in me and my rehabilitation. Please everyone pray for me. Thanks.

Nicole Bradley
DOC #W82508

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