I can’t sleep. I’ve been up all night crying. My ears are plugged and my nose is clogged. I was doing my Denial Management homework. One of the instructors said I don’t talk enough in class and she realizes I’m an introvert. She said she wanted more detail on my homework. So, I didn’t water the garden tonight to spend time on my homework. I had to answer so many questions about Denial Patterns I use. And I had to answer questions about my feelings. It got me thinking of a whole range of stuff. It got me thinking of things that I didn’t realize. Like how I used to blame others for my behavior, or how I avoids things, etc… I wanted to show my instructor that I’m serious in participating and learning. I have been in my room all evening to myself just working on these Denial Management worksheets. Even though it’s late, I wanted to make sure it’s all completed so I can give my work to the instructor in the morning. It was getting too late, so once I finished I turned off the lights and got in bed. I have relaxing music playing. But, my thoughts kept going back to the past and my behavior. I started thinking of all the mistake I’ve made, pain I’ve caused, my faults, and my tears started to flow. I wish I wasn’t a rebellious child when I was younger. I wish I appreciated my family more. I wish I didn’t make such bad choices. I wish I never committed a crime and there’s so much more I wish. I know in my heart I’m not that same person as I was back then. I have my board hearing coming up, and I’m so scared. I’m thinking of my mom worrying about having to pay my attorney to represent me, and I just feel so bad for the burdens I put on everyone. I want so much to be home with my loved ones. I’m so scared. I’m so tired of crying and hurting and always fearing about being given up on. I appreciate everyone in my life. And I know I’m not perfect. I know that I will always have things I need to deal with in life. But, I am truly trying my best to be a better person every day. If I only had a second chance, I wouldn’t waste it. I’d do good. I’m tired of seeing others returning to prison over and over. I want that chance to be free, and for the parole board to believe in me and have faith in me and my rehabilitation. Please everyone pray for me. Thanks.
Categories: Nicole Bradley